


Tell me it's real

by Allenthewookie



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Delusions, Drinking, Drug Dealing, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Fluff, Gangs, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Hospitalization, Infection, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mild Gore, Music Oriented, Prostitution, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smoking, Substance Abuse, Virus, art students, lot of sad shit, schizoaffective!Hide, single parent, some swearing I guess, unfair treatment of patients, whole cast?, yes ghouls are still real in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allenthewookie/pseuds/Allenthewookie
Summary: I’m Hideyoshi Nagachika and they keep on telling me I’m sick, that I need help, that this isn’t real.God, how I wish they were wrong.





	1. Hospital stays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide comes into light and wants to live life better

_ “Where are you taking my son? What’s wrong with him? What the hell is evening happening!” She says in a loud damming voice. Hair fizzed into a bun. Her eyes burning with too many questions for anyone in the large hospital desk to answer her. _

_ “Mrs. Nagachika please calm down.” A man states at her, walking over with a white coat. _

_ “We need to keep your son here for a while. Just a enough to help him right now.” He says. Calm and sooth like he’s done this for the millionth time today. _

_ It  _ **_pisses her right off._ **

_ “Then tell me what’s wrong? He was just in college last time I checked and suddenly I get a call from here telling me he’s been put into emergency care.” She says looking him dead in the face. Worry still fiery in her veins, hands visibly shaking. _

_ “I can’t tell you much right now but I think we should go sit down to talk about ‘this’-” _

_ “No, please tell me right now what is going on and what is happening doctor. Yes, I know I’m being rude right now but I need to know. Is he going to be okay?” _

_ “I’m afraid I don’t fully know if he will ever be okay and safe ever again Mrs. Nagachika.” _

 

* * *

 

 

_ (five months later) _

 

Music blares from all around him. Groups of bodies of people jump and dance to the beat of the loud music, in the too small house of some poor college kid who has to clean up after all of this.

Everyone sways, pushes, and shoves each other into a messy tangled parts. Maybe trying to find someone to hook up with, maybe to find someone to give them their next cup of alcohol to throw down their throat to numb out the stresses of life.

_ God _ , Hide needs to get some air.

Moving his way through the bodies of sweaty individuals. He finally makes it to the backyard.

Seeing no seats. He looks around to see a tiny wall of rocks.

_ That’ll do. I guess _

As he sits himself down, red cup in hand. He thinks of the past few months as he tips his head back swallowing the rest of the bitter beer.

_ Mom would probably have my ass if she knew I was having a beer on my medication. _

He thinks to himself as he views the dark night sky, feeling the coming fall breeze on his skin.

“W͜h̵y ar͘e ̸y͡o͏u al̷o͝n̛e͘?”

“W͜h̵y ar͘e ̸y͡o͏u al̷o͝n̛e͘?”

“W͜h̵y ar͘e ̸y͡o͏u al̷o͝n̛e͘?”

“W͜h̵y ar͘e ̸y͡o͏u al̷o͝n̛e͘?”

“Oh  _ God, not now.” _ He whispers to himself. Careful not to say anything too loud for anyone to hear him.

_ Well anyone real for that matter of fact. _

Rubbing his hand down his face, as he can feel the oncoming migraine start to sep its way into his eyes, then until it’s fully here, his whole skull.

“Have̛ you ev͞er͜ ̧t̕h̵o̕ug̕h̷t w̧hy ̶?”

He hears them say. Their voice calm and full of wonder in the question their asking him.

“Thought what?” he ask back to them.

_ Fuck, I’m not supposed to talk back to them. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The doctor said it only leads him down more into this rabbit hole of an illness. _

“W͝hy̕ ͞you're so u̡tterly ̷a̡l͜one i̸n tḩis̶ ͘wor͜l̕d Hide.”

“H̸ow͠ y͢o͟u'll̡ ņeve͝r ̡b͏e t͟h͘e ̷n̕or͜mal͠ ̢per͞son every̧o̸ne ͡wi̵s͘ḩed͘ ͠y͝o̴u would b̡e.̕”

“Just stop.” He whispered again. Voice cracking at the overwhelming emotion coming up into his throat.

Putting his head into his hands

“Ju- Just please stop for once.”

_ He cried in the silence that he would never know. _

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, ̸h̢ey͡, h͘e͘y̢ H̢id͘e.̵ wa̸k͡e͞ up it͠'̨s͠ ̵t̸ime̕ for҉ cl̨a͝s͘se͘s͟.͟”

“He'̕s ̨goi͝ng to be̵ l̵ąt͟e̡. Ag͘ain!”

“W͜hat ̶i̡s͝ a ͢mas͜s sh͢o͘oter ҉cąme ̵i͝n̴t̷ơ class t͡oday̵ ͏Hi̡de?”

“W̛oul͞dn͡'t̨ y̕ou wan͘t ͘to s͢av̨e̡ your ҉f̴rien͜ḑs͜ H̛id͘e̡?”

“B҉ut ̧h͡e ̕d̡oe̡sn̷'t ͏ha͜v͝e̕ an͘y fri͟end͢s! ̨Y̴ou̷r s̨o̷ m͞ęa̸n̵!”

“Wha̡t i͞f̸ ͢t͢he̵y͞ a̶l̡l di͠e͟d be͟ca̴u̶se of you?̛ Died̵ ̴bec̛a͠u͘s̕e yo͟u w̴an͢ted ̸to̶ g̕e͢t̵ s͟o͘me ͟ex̷tra ҉min͝ute͜s̢ in ͝b̕e̢d.̛ Wh͢at ̶a̕ d͟isa̧p͞p̧o̡i̵nt͠ment̢.”

He heard their chatter. Loud and clear as any day. Groaning and rolling off, over to his alarm clock on the right side of his bed.  Reading that it was only 3:45.

_ 3:45 in the fucking morning.  _

_ Oh what a beautiful day it was going to be. _

Sitting up and removing the blankets from his feet. Before standing up like a regular person would do. He takes a good solid 30 seconds to prepare himself before turning on the lights to his room.

_ Please be no one, please be no one in here. _

He prayed for himself. Shutting his eyes tight and taking a deep breath in and out before flicking the lights on.

_ Okay Hide just open your eyes now. Their not real, remember? It’s just your brain, it’s just chemicals in your fucking brain. _

He slowly opens up his eyes to find that no one is lingering in his bedroom today.

_ Ah thank God… _

Walking over to his door, and pulling at the handle. He tries his very best to make as little noise as possible. Letting it slide open to the darkness of the kitchen.

Creeping his way over to the bathroom, and making sure he closed the bathroom door before turning on any of the overhead lights. Even though it’s almost 4 in the morning, that doesn’t mean his roommate could or was sleeping on the couch in their tiny living room.

Hearing the ‘ _ click _ ’ of the door being fully shut, he turns on the lights. 

Not daring to look at his reflection in the mirror, he quickly tries not to stumble over anything that might be laying on the floor. 

_ Specially not Nishiki’s dirty laundry again, fool me once maybe but damn it. Fool me twice I think not! _

Turning on the shower and hearing the pressure of the water springing to life always made Hide feel better in a weird way.

 

* * *

 

 

Turning off the shower and ungracefully trying to grab his own bright orange towel on the rack. He finally gets one and starts to towel himself off.

Rapping his lower half with the towel, he bends down to pick up his old pajamas.

* **CAP** *

“Fuck!” Hide swears under his breath, still making sure he doesn’t make too much noise while Nishik sleeps.

His phone fell out of his pajama bottoms and fell screen first onto the tile floor.

_ Please tell me it’s not broke, for the love of take-out food please don’t be broke! _

Picking up the phone carefully he sees that nothings wrong with it.

_ THANK YOU, TAKE OUT FOOD GODS! _

*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*

_ Uh? _

In his hand, his phone is going off.

“Who the hell would be calling me this early in the morning?” He says as he swipes the tap and brings the phone up to his ear.

“He-hello?” He speaks into the phone. Listening to anything on the other line. No one’s talking? Should he just hang up? Should he be louder? Should -

“Hide.” A singular voice comes through his phone.

A person's voice he’s never heard before.

_ I don’t like this. _

_ Don’t trust it _

_ Don’t believe it. _

_ Don’t listen to it. _

“Uh yes this is he? Uhh I’m sorry to be rude but who is this?” He ask, trying not to be as off putting as he thinks he is.

“They had no right Hide.” the voice echos in his eardrum.

“Uh what? I’m sorry dude but if this is a prank call I’m just gonna hang up-”

“ **They had no right to hurt you Hide.** ” The voice deems again.

“ **Putting those electricity things on you. Frying your brain like a burger sizzling on a grill. Do you still remember the sound it made? I bet you still do Hide. I bet you do”**

Suddenly a buzzing of thousands of voltages only past memories could have found. Consuming the small bathroom in seconds, freezing him to the very bone.

“Don’t let them take me.” He mutters into the void of the room. Memories start to flood back too quickly for him to even begin his breathing techniques.

Too quickly for him to even realize he’s stopped breathing all together.

“D-don’t let them hurt me.” He wheezes, shaking uncontrollably

“Mom, oh GOd mom don’t let them take me. Don’t let them -”

***knock* *knock***

.”Hey Hide! What the hell is taking you so long in the bathroom? Don’t forget you have a roommate who lives with you now.”

_ Who? _

_ I don’t live with anyone……. _

…………

_ Wait.. _

_ N-Nishiki? _

_ I live with my older roommate Nishiki. That’s right I live with…….. _

_ Fuck, he’s at the door. _

Pulling his own lifeless body up off the floor.  _ When did I even get on the floor? _ He tries to blink his eyes and bring himself more back to the moment.

_ Remember to breath. _

Opening the door he’s greeted to a tired and annoyed Nishiki.

“Ahh Uh sorry I was taking so long hahaha. Kinda got a call on my phone when I was getting out of here.” Flashing a apologetic smile.

“Mhm okay.” He says quietly.

Shooting straight back into his own room. Hide shuts the door slowly, and lays on his bed. Pulling at the fabric of the blankets and sheets, feeling their textures in his hands. Bringing himself more into the moment, more into  _ this  _ reality.

Breathing in and out for about 10 minutes, he re-opens his eyes. Looking over at his alarm clock again.

_ 5:15  _ a.m. it reads.

_ I still have plenty of time I guess. _ He thinks to himself.  _ Probably should take my medication though. _

Looking back at the clock, he notices his phone lying right next to it.

_ Mhmm that’s weird I don’t remember even bring it back from the bathroom- _

Picking it up Hide notices it’s turned off.

_ That’s right. _

_ I never even brought it into the bathroom in the first place. _

 

 

* * *

 

It’s wednesday.

So that means fine arts class starts at around 7:45. Meaning that he has time to get a coffee or maybe a snack and take a walk around for a bit

_ Hahaha like hell I would do that. _

Bringing his own over sized thermos filled with coffee to keep him from slamming his face on the ground from exhaustion. And in his backpack, a small thing of apple slices he cut up this morning.

Checking his phone it was only 7:25 in the art studio.

_ I guess I have some time to free draw.  _ He thought to himself. Picking his normal seat to laying out the mess of a sketchbook and pens he has.

Time passes fast as it was already 7:54 and the professor was still not here. But that was normal for this class so early in the morning. Hide didn’t doubt that his professor must have a life and things to do like most normal people having life would normally do.

_ God I have to stop being a bitter bitch about things. _ He reminds himself mentally.

Suddenly his professor rushes through the door, looking a little more worse for wear. But let’s be honest, who wasn’t on a wednesday morning?

“Okay class” She claps her hands together, making Hide jump in his chair from the sound.

“We’re going to be doing something new for this project.” She says as she picks up a marker to start writing on the whiteboard.

“I’m going to have all of you guys go into groups of two’s. And pick out a word, really any word but please be mindful of the good form of art now. Anyways some word the both of you can agree on to do a piece on.” She says hastily writing down this info on the board in case someone comes in late.

“I’m going to be putting numbers in a hat so all of you, one at a time please. Come up and grab a number and find your new partner to get started right away.”

Anxiety starts to bubble it’s way into Hide’s stomach as the thought of working with someone on a piece was never truly his favorite thing to do. In any class. Specially a  _ stranger. _

After many other tired art kids have gone up and pick their numbers. Hide finds its probably the best to do it now and get it over with. Walking up and pulling out a slip of thin paper, he unfolds it to find the number 14.

Looking out into the studio full of kids already grouped together. He’s eyes land on a boy in the farest seat in the very back, holding up a similar piece of paper with the number 14 on it.

_ It’s now or never. _

Grabbing his things from his seat. He moves over to the boy and puts his things down on the desk.

“Hey I’m Hideyoshi Nagachika but just call me hide. It’s a mouth full so it’s just a lot easier for everyone if it’s just Hide.” He smiles at the boy, hoping that he’s not creeping the poor kid out.

“O-oh I’m Kaneki Ken. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He says back. Giving a small smile and a head nod.

“Ru͡n̵.” He hears them murmurs in his ears.

_ Just ignore them. Just ignore them and they’ll leave.  _ He kept on thinking to myself.

Even though he very much knew, that was a complete lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hey y'all I know this is weird but I was hoping to make the chapters longer so I put the first and second original chapters together.


	2. What I feel, I fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki loves words and their meanings. Hide spaces out daily, everyone is a fucking mess

Sitting next to Kaneki wasn’t as bad as Hide had thought it out to be. It actually was calming in a sense. Specially being so up close to the guy now. Hide noticed things, nothing big or anything but small tiny things no one would really catch he thought.

How Kaneki was ghostly white. Yeah Hide was pretty pasty himself for never really going outside in the sun but he swear he could almost see the dudes veins.

Also he’s wearing mascara. Around the sockets of his eyes are tiny smudges of black makeup. And Hide don’t really think it’s for an statement or anything like that.

Or it could be? How could he fully know that about Kaneki? Maybe he is thinking too much into it. He does that a lot.

“Uh Hide?” Kaneki ask quietly but loud enough to pull Hide out of his own head.

“Oh Sorry! Yeah what’s up?” Hide says dazed, trying to sound the friendliest he could be.

“Well what kind of word would you think you might want to use? For the project I mean uhmm-.” He says picking up and piece of paper and sliding it my way.

“If you can’t think of something right now. I wrote some words I think might be good down on here. An-and no rush really. The professor said we have two mouths to really figure this out.” Kaneki says with an lopsided smile.

“OH wow! Thanks Kaneki! Sorry about being kinda of out of it.” Rudding the back of his head sheepishly.

“Stayed up way too late at a party last night haha. Probably should be the ‘A plus student’ Kamii thinks of me to be.” Saying that, Kaneki doesn’t really speak about  anything after that. Letting Hide look over the piece of paper Kaneki has provided him with. But looking over the paper again and again, Hide’s having difficulty understanding any of the words that are written down. 

“Uh ..Hey Kaneki these are some fancy words you got here. What are you a Literature major?” He ask, somewhat teasing the kid.

_ I totally have no idea what any of these words mean Kaneki please see into my eyes and help my poor uncultured ass. _ Hide thinks to himself.

“OH! I’m so sorry.” Kaneki says, taking the piece of paper back into his hands.

“Okay s-so this one  _ ‘sonder’ _ means  the realization that each random person is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. Filled with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited insane story that continues invisibly around you.” Taking a single breath in, Kaneki continues on.

“ ‘ _Ambedo’_ means like you're in an almost melancholic trance like state which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details. Raindrops sliding down a window, tall trees moving against the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee, things like that.” Another pause.

“ ‘ _ Nodus Tollens’  _ is when the meaning or plot of your life doesn’t make sense anymore, even though you were following the lines of it like a book with pages. None of the passages add up like they used too, like the life you picked isn’t even the same one as you followed for most of you life.”

“And the last one is ‘ _ Kairosclerosis’.” _ He points to the finally word scrambled down.

“Meaning in a singular moment you are truly 100% happy, with that. You try and savor this feeling. Which it prompts you to intellect to identity it, pick it apart and put it in some sort of context. But soon it starts to fade and dissolve until it’s little more than an after taste.” Kaneki finishes stating.

“Wow.” Hide breaths out in a huff, leaning back in his chair.

“You really must be an  Literature major now. Like dude if you're not already then really maybe think into it. Because ‘this’ is some amazing stuff. Sad no doubt about that.” Hide says pointing at the paper in Kaneki’s hands.

“BUTTTT!” He says in a quick moment to steady kaneki’s falling features.

“It’s really beautiful though, Kaneki. It really is.” Hide leans forward to make sure the other boy knows he’s being truthfully.

A dust of pink coloring lingers across Kaneki’s face before the boy turns away from Hides gaze.

“D̴on't͏ ̢b͏e͘ a  **fre̴a͜k** Hide̴.” He hears a taunting whisper in his ears. 

_ Don’t move your face, don’t show the hurt in public Hide. Just don’t,  _ **_don’t_ ** _. _

“Sooooo Kaneki, what’s your favorite one so far? I know you said I could pick one but I want to hear what your thoughts on it too. It’s both of our projects, right?” Shining a smile his way.

Looken taken back from Hide’s question. Kaneki takes the paper, scanning it over to really think about it. 

“I- I think  ‘ _ Kairosclerosis’  _ would be a good one to pick, to be honest I’ve always liked that word. I think it tells a truth about us, about people. Telling us something we don’t even fully understand yet.” Kaneki says rubbing his hands together as if to distract himself from looking at Hide.

“Alright Kaneki.” He says.

“We’ll go with  _ Kairosclerosis  _ then _. _ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“Uh Hide?” Kaneki says, pencil in hand and sketch pad in front of him filled with mess lines covering the surface.

“Mhmm?”

“Well I don’t know if you heard or not, but the professor said class was over about 20 minutes ago.” Kaneki says weakly as he taps his pencil down on the paper.

“ _ What?” _

“Sorry Hide, you looked really focused on the project and you looked up when she announced it but went back to drawing. I don’t know if you have any classes after this but I -”

“ _ Shit _ ! I’m going to be late to my next class!” He swears loudly. Grabbing every single thing of his on the desk and just  _ fucking  _ shoving that shit right back into his bag.

About to start running like the fucking  _ cat and the hat  _ was after him with a bat, he stops dead in his track and grabs a pen in his pocket.

“Uhggggg sorry, going to write on ‘this’.” He points to the pad of blue sticky notes next to Kaneki.

“ _ This  _ is my number my radical dude. Please text me at anytime of the day, and  _ yes _ I do mean anytime of the day. Uhhhhhh this was great! It really was. I’ll see you later?” Hide gives off a ‘I’m sorry about this and how I’m acting’ smile.

“Ahh sure!” Kaneki waves back at him as the sunflower headed boy starts running out the main studio door.

 

 

* * *

 

Breathing heavily as he sees from afar the double doors have already been closed to his forensic science class.

_ Fuckkkkkkkkk. Maybe if I’m quiet enough Amon won’t see me coming in. Like if I’m super quiet. Yeah maybe I could- _

“I ͡d̛on't th͞ink͜ s̶o.” They call.

“I don’t need anyone's comments right now.” He says under his breath.

Taking a deep breath in and out before gently touching one of the door handles, making sure no squeaking happens.

“He's goi͜n̕g ̴t̛o g̷et̶ cau͢ght.”

“We͘ k̵no͘w͟ ̛H̨E̴'S̨ go͜in͡g to̴ g͜e̵t͘ c͢a̢ught̡.”

“I ̨wo̴n̷der ̡h̷o͜w̶ yoư'll h̨and̸le t̢h͠e ͢e̴m̛b͝arr͘aşsmen̴t͠ ͞o̧f̡ ͢be͏ing͟ cau͠gh̨t̛ this ̧ti̵me̶”

“Mayb͟ȩ ̕y̶ou'll ̷e͜ven̨ die.”

The dull aching is back at full focus, and he wants it to fucking **_stop._**

Slowly shutting the door behind him. He crouches down, staying low so Amon’s eyes won’t find him in the lingering sea of tired bodies of other college students in the lecture hall.

Finding a seat close on by, he sits himself down in the all too familiar uncomfortable plastic chairs in all the classes in this school.

“Nagachika! I see you! Meet me after class!” Amon yells from the front of the room.

“Yes, sir! Yes!”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hide why were you late again?” Amon walks up to him, as other people are already leaving the hall for some of their next classes.

“Ahhh I’m real sorry Amon.” Hide claps his hands together and groans in apology. “Kinda spaced out in fine arts class and totally didn’t even notice when it was finished with.”

_ God, I’m so sorry Amon. I’m always late for your classes. Their even good classes. Not like ‘ they're good because I can bare them and have to learn things to become successful in order to live out a decent life’ classes. I actually want to know things in here. _

“Hide.” Amon says in a serious tone.

“I’m real sorry! Please have mercy on my young soul great  _ Amonnnnnnn _ -”

“Okay Hide that’s too much, please calm down a little.” He breaths out a defeated sigh.

“Yes! Totally will! I’m the calmest person you probably even know. Considering you work at the CCG and all that fancy stuff.” Saying while looking up at Amon, Hide starts to notice something odd, something  _ off. _

Staring at Amon as he rambles on about something about a case he just finished and having to do all the paperwork by himself.

_ Somethings weird about Amon, he looks like he’s hot. Not hot in a ‘omg this teacher of mine is hot’ because geez fuck no lord have strike me now. But he looks likes he’s sweating. _

_ Is it really this hot in here? I don’t feel hot and -- _

Amon’s not sweating. And Hide can only know this now because the beading droplets of sweat he thought were rolling off his face, drip onto the suit Amon is currently wearing.

_ Is Amon wearing makeup? _

Hide questioning the fact that Amon could be wearing makeup, but also could not be wearing makeup. Why even asking this is because the droplets that are rolling off the poor guys face are a fuckin  _ cream  _ color.

“Hey Amon-” Hide ask but it seems like Amon is somewhat too into telling Hide about this case.

The cream color droplets start to fall faster as Hide stares longer at his professor’s face. Almost as if he was standing in the middle of a shower, by how completely ruined Amon’s dress shirt is now.

_ Think logically here. Amon definitely wouldn’t wear makeup, specially if it was this sweching in the room. Remember what the psychologist said, it’s just chemicals telling you it’s happening in your brain. It seems real but …….. but _

_ This isn’t real. _

_ None of this is real. _

“Hide your looking a bit pale, are you doing okay? Have you been partying? You know my thoughts on partying Nagachika.” Amon says, bending down to meet him at eye level.

“Wo Amon, no need to be pulling the good old Nagachika with me. I’m doing okay my good friend. Just haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, you know how all the teachers love to get out that homework.”

“L̢ia͞r.”

“Yo̡ur̶ a̕ l͢iar̶ ̕H͢id͟ę.̷”

“Your b͡e͠i͡n̴g a͟  **_fucki͜ng͠_ ** ̡lia̕r to y̧o̧ur nic̷e̶ ̢tea͜cḩe̡r.”

“Y͝our͡ t͢ruly̴ a ̶dis͢ap̴po̵i̕ntm̧e͟n͘t̕  **_Hi͜de_ ** . To us͘ an̷d e̸v̢e͏ryo͠ne ̷el̡s̢e.”

_ Ignore, ignore, ignore, just ignore them. _

Amon straightens out his back to stand properly. Droplets keep sliding over his face onto the nice suit he wears. Covering it now in  _ creamy  _ mixture.

“If you say so Hide. Oh and don’t forget and try not to be late tomorrow at the office, you know how Akira gets when she doesn’t get her paperwork done on time.” Amon gives him a weary smile.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” 

_ God it’s going to be a long day. _

 

* * *

 

 

After going throughout the day spending hours in classes, spacing out and taking more ibuprofen to dull the his aching skull. Hide finally arrives back at his dorm.

Looking around the small place, it seems like Nishiki hasn’t gotten out of class yet. In a sense Hide feels relieved by this, not that he dislike Nishiki’s appaces but today’s just been to long for him to keep up this act of being  _ sane. _

Checking the time, Hide sees it already 4:30 p.m.

_ Med time I guess. _

Opening and walking into his room, he goes into his nightstand and pulls out a plastic orange pill bottle. Reading

PERPHENAZINE  8MG TABLETS

TAKE 1 TABLET BY MOUTH TWICE A DAY

Shaking one out of the bottle. He walks over to the kitchen to grab a cup of water to help swallow it down. Looking at the small blueish pill against the color of his hand, he thinks of all of the money he’s mother has to pay for these. All the different medications he’s been on in such a short period of time, all the therapy and psychologist vistes. All the  _ wasted  _ time on this.

All the wasted time on  _ him. _

Feeling an all too well known burn of guilt and frustration swell up inside of him. A feeling that hasn’t left since the first hospitalization. 

Since his first episode.

“You͜ ͟kn̢o͢w̧ th̴ei͞r̴ ̨not wo̴r͢king̴ ̸Hide.” Their voice echoes as if they were really in the room with him.

_ How ironic. _

“They w̕on't̡ work͟ be͜c͠au͏s̕e̢ ̶t̨heir͜ j̷u͠s͏t͡ ҉pl̛a͠cebo͝s. ͏Fa̸k͡e pi҉lls to r͠ac͜k ͜u̡p͜ money͠ o͢n ̡y̴our͡ mo͝the͏r and y̶ou, ̢t̡he la̶b̡ r͘at.”

With that, he shoves the pill into his mouth and gulps down the water fast enough to start to choke on it. Coughing at his lungs, he tries to drink more steadily this time. Easing the itch in his throat and trying to stop the coughing.

Going back into his room, grabbing his oversized bulky headphones and connecting them to his cell phone. Searching through his song list. He hits a song he hasn’t heard in awhile.

_ “Sweet _ _ , sweet girl dreamed some day she'd be a writer, _

_ Swore she's never give up on her soul desire.” _

He snags his backpack up off of the floor and picks out his sketch pad, bringing along a case of shading pencils with him.

_ “But leaps of faith turned to shots in the darkness, _

_ Until she told herself that she'll never be and artist.” _

Looking at the page of blank white paper, he remembers the word that him and Kaneki are using for the project. ‘ _ Kairosclerosis _ ’ he thinks to himself.

“Kairosclerosis.” Whispering the word on his lips

_ “Don't give up on you, _

_ I won't give up on you either” _

*Ding*

He looks over at his phone and sees a text message.

_ It’s probably mom checking up on me if I took my medication again. She really shouldn’t bother herself with that. Like I’m a big boy, I can remember to take the things that try and kept me on track…….. I think. _

Picking up his phone, he sees it’s not his mom. Its an number he's never seen before.

**Unknown:** Hey! It’s Kaneki and just wanting to let you know that you left your thermos in the art studio this morning. If you want too, we can meet up tomorrow and talk about the project? Only if you're free I mean.

The message left Hide somewhat happy-tired. Happy that this new person wants to actually work on the project they have and  _ actually  _ see him again AFTER class hours. But tired because he knows that, oh god he does  _ know.  _ That they will follow him wherever he goes, no matter who, no matter what……

**Hide:** Oh hello, hello there Kaneki! And yeah I’m open tomorrow. Just tell me a time and a place and I’ll be there d=(´▽｀)=b.

_ “I believe in you, _

_ I believe in your fever.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!!! Guys I hope this chapter is okay? It's pretty slow and wordy but I'm hoping to move things along more.


	3. This isn’t going to end well we know this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki at work/ Hide not having a good time in bed/Somewhat of Hide's mom being a 1# mother of a year/

“Who are you texting Kaneki?” Uta asked glaring from the other side of him, possibly trying to get a good look from over his shoulder.

“No one.” He replied dryly. Shutting his  _ ‘day’ _ phone and shoving it in his back pocket. Mentally kicking himself, letting this to even happen is almost laughable. Bringing out his other phone during working hours is something he just doesn’t  _ do. _

Pulling out a packet of cigarettes from his coat, and bringing one up to his lips. He flicks his lighter to life and burning the tip. Breathing in all the chemicals he knows are bad for him, knows that they’ll probably destroy his lungs if not for his healing ability.

_ How ironic. _

“Well whoever it could be, they’ll needs to wait. I got a job for you so put your love life away and get a move on!” Uta says over dramatically.

“As long as I get paid.” He says, taking another drag off of his cigarette.

 

* * *

 

_ “We can give him medication. It could help with the voices and delusions, plus maybe with his mood towards life.” The doctor says to the case manager he was assigned to. _

_ Their talking about me as if I’m not even in the room right now. As if I can’t understand the words they're using, like I can’t comprehend anything and….. and yet. I’m not saying a single damn word. _

_ “That sounds like a great plan! Don’t you think so?” His case manager places a hand on his knee. Having a smile stretch too far across her face, but yet not far enough for it to even reach her eyes. _

_ “The̕y̷ ̨don't͞ k̛n͘ow ͡wh̷a͏t̨ ͝y̸ou̵ ̡n̢e͏e̶d Hi͘d͜e.̕” _

_ “Lo҉o͘k ͝a̴t҉ ̴them̶! T͡h͟r̨o̕w̨i͜n̨g pills ̷a̴t͜ y͠ou ̢ļik͘e͞ ͡s̢om͟e̵ ҉s̷ort o̡f ҉crazy pe̢r͘so͜n!҉ ̧T̕he̕y do̕n't kn҉o̧w ͞anyth̨i̢ng͠ ab͟ou̷t ͢yo͏u a͟n̸d ͘yet ͘yơu͞ l͏et ̢t̸h͘em m͟ake͟ ͘al̕l̢ th͠e ̶d̵ec̶is͠i̧ons͘!” _

_ The people who speak to me are right! I shouldn’t let these doctors and nurses control me as if I’m dangerous, as if I’m broken! _

_ “S͢p̢eak th̵e͡ t͠r͜ut̡h Hide.” _

_ “W͢e b̨el̨ie͝ve y͘o͏u͏ ̕c̢a͟n ͏d͢o ̷it͝! We'̵v͜e al͞w̨ays beli͢ȩved i͞n͘ y̕ou.” _

_ “I-I don’t want to go on the medication actually.” He says in a hush tone. And …. and still, they looked so shocked to hear that he spoke at all. _

_ “But Hideyoshi without the medication you’ll just get worse. And we don’t want that now, do we?” The doctor says in a voice Hide can’t tell if he's just saying the words in a nice manner or a secret threat. _

_ “T҉ḩe̛i̴r t͠h̨r̡ȩate͜nin͏g ͝yo͢u be͞ca͝u͠se w͏i͘th̴ou͜t҉ ͞t̸h̡e̢ męd̷i͜ca͝tio҉n͝, h̵ow̶ el̕s͠e͟ c̕an t̵h̡e̢y d̴u͜l͏l you out͟ ̵un͠t͠il̕ ̢you͞'͘ll͞ ̷beco̡mȩ s̨omeo̢n͝e e͠l̢s͢e?” _

_ “Unt͘il̡ y̸o̢ur̸ ̸o̡wn͢ mo͟th͢er͝ ̨c͘an'҉t e̛v̴en̵ lo̵ok̷ a͟t yo͟u ̕in th͢e̢ ey͠e͡s. Wit͞hout seei̢ng ̛a s͟tr͟an͝ger͘ i͝n̵ ͡a shel͞l o͟f̛ ͘h͟e̛r so̴n'̶s bod͢y.” _

_ “But I don’t feel like I need medication.” He breathes out.  _

_ “Yes some people need it if they have some things they need help with but I’m fine. I don’t need it.” _

_ I don’t need  _ **_this._ **

_ I don’t need you people in my life…. _

_ “Hideyoshi…… Maybe you need to go back into the ward and think about it? Give it some time to roll over the thought of it? I think that would be a great idea for now, until you come back with a better mindset.” The doctor smiles at him, but the only thing he can see is an eerily too big of a set of teeth in the man’s mouth.    _

_ “But I just said-” _

_ “And I said you really need to think about  _ **_‘this’_ ** _ Hideyoshi. Your mother has already signed some papers for your health plan but I wanting to give you the opinions to pick  _ **_somethings_ ** _.” _

_ “T̸hȩy've̵ a͢lready̸ ̕c̸h͟os̴en y͟o̶u̵r ̷fu҉ture̵ H͏ide. Wh̷e̴n̨ ͘y͢ou ̡eaţ,̵ wh͢en ͠you ҉s͢le͝e͝p,̕ ̡w̨h͏en ̧you a͠wa͞ke, whe҉n̶ yo̕u̢  _ **_͝li̷ve_ ** _ , ̴and w̸h҉en ͘you  _ **_̸d̨i͞e_ ** _.” _

_ “It͏ ̵al͞mo͘st̴ ҉s̵ounds lįk̕e͠ ͟y͏ou don͠'t̨ ͘eve͡n h̢av͞e a l̴if͜e any͝mor͡e.” _

_ No this can’t be happening. _

_ He went to school! He studied, helped his mom with things, he was alway trying to be understanding of others! What did he do so wrong for  _ **_this_ ** _ to happen now! _

_ What the hell did he do so bad for this to go so WRONG! _

_ “Y͏ou ͡w͢ere b̷or̷n.” _

_ Without a second thought to happen, Hide grabbed for the pen that was off of desk he was sitting at with the doctor. _

_ “THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WANT TO LIVE IN IT! I HAVE CONTROL OF IT!” He screams from the very depths of his lungs. Feeling his own voice crack and shake with every word. Taking the pen in his hands. He stabs it into his right eye with full force. _

Bolting up from his bed. He grabs for his own face. Feeling around for the blood,  _ oh god for all the fucking blood.  _ But seconds go by, and he starts to finally realize that there is no blood spilling out of his eye socket. There is no pen sticking out of his eye ball. 

There is only him in his bed. Yeah, shaking and sweating but in his bed, in his dorm, and in his body.

But lord why doesn’t he feel welcomed here.

 

* * *

 

 

“ _ But Hide-” _

“Mom, I’m  _ fine.  _ Really.  I’ve been eating three meals a day, which is really amazing for a college kid.” He speaks into his phone.

Hearing his mom’s voice is soothing and yet makes him uneasy at the same time. It’s just…….

She sounds just plain tired and  _ exhausted _ .

“ _ I just get worried Hide. I am still super glad we got you into a dorm with somebody. It’s less pay overall and just having someone around can be nice, right?” _

“Yeah if you think Nishiki actually likes me mom. Most of the time he’s locked up in his room or asking me to boot it when Kmi comes over.”

“ _ Well wouldn’t you want the same if you had a special someone over Hide? I think-” _

“Oh my god! Mom!”

“ _ What? I’m just saying. You're still a good looking kid, you came from my genes anyway.  I’m more surprised to know that you're not dating anyone at this time….. Wait are you dating anybody??” _

“No mom, I’m not. I have classes to go to and too many essays to write for really any human being to actually do. So no, I don’t have ……..-”

“Y̴ou̸ ̵ev̢er thin͟k ̵a̕bout ho͝w lo̸n̨ely͘ y̶ou ͟are H͢i͏dȩ?”

“I̵t ̛m͢ưst ̷be̴ ̕har͞d.”

_ Ignore them, and finish answering mom’s question. _

“Uh time for somebody else right now mom.” He sighs into the phone.

“ _ Well that is true. School is hard there’s not doubting that, but your smart Hide. I don’t know any other kid that got into Kamii with a scholarship.” _

Her words plague him with a sting of shame. Feeling that no matter the score he gets on his test or grades, she will always support his outcome no matter the fact.

_ That’s probably why I fear failing so much. I just don’t want to disappoint you mom. _

“I guess so, but I would be surprised if you actually hung out with kids my age mom.” He teased her.

“ _ I might be old Hide but I do know what's hip with the young people nowadays!” _

“Totally mom. Totally.”

“ _ Well I’ll leave you be. For now that is! I hope you have fun with that partner you got in class. I know how much you like that art class  but I also know how much people can be insensitive Hide. Don’t let this kid push you over if he doesn’t do a lot of work like last time.” _

“I hardly doubt that he would do that……. He seem likes a nice dude, even asked me first to work on the project  _ outside _ of the studio. But yeah, I’ll talk to you later mom. Remember to take care of yourself when you need it.”

“ _ Okay, okay. I’ll talk to you later my flower boy. Have fun now!”  _ She says before hanging up the phone on her end.

 

 

* * *

 

**Kaneki:** _ I’ll be there in 2 minutes! Sorry for running late! _

Hide sees another text from Kaneki pop up on his phone.

**Hide:** _No need to be sorry my dude. Things happen, people get late, all understandable to me. I got all morning to goof off anyway._

He sends a quick message back to the other boy as he sits anxiously in the small cafe that is located on their campus.

_ He probably just slept in a little, no real reason he should be saying sorry to me. I’ just glad enough that he wants to meet up with me _

_ “ _ Or h҉e ҉c̨o͜m̢p͢le̷te̢ļy f͘o͡rgo͘t about̛ ͢thi̴s projec͟t ͞a̛ņd ͟you͞.”

_ “ _ Well yeah that could be true too…..”

“What could be true?”

“What? Who?” He says confusion of who asked that, until he sees that Kaneki is standing right next to him.

_ He fucking heard me say that. _

_ HE FUCKING HEARD THAT! _

“Ohh it’s nothing really I was just thinking to myself really out loud.” He says hoping that’ll be good enough for Kaneki to drop the subject as fast as it came up.

“Yơu͝ ̨s͠a͟i̵d͞ re̴a͏l̡ly t̨w̸icȩ.͡ ̸H̴e̴ ͜pro͟ba͟b̷l̡y͢ k̛n͝ows yo͝u͡r̵ ly̶i҉n̢g through ͡y̶o͞ur̶ ̧te̸et͡h͞.̷”

“Okay.” Kaneki says as he takes the other side of the booth and waving over a coffee girl.

“What would you like?” The waitress ask.

“I’ll get a black coffee and…..?” Kaneki says and looking over to him for an answer if he wants anything.

“Oh! I’ll get a coffee with soy milk please.” He says to the waitress.

“Coming right up.” She says before walking off to get them their drinks.

After that they both sit in a few moments of silence until their drinks are brought to them. The waitress setting down their drinks both in front of them. Kaneki taking his cup gladly, smiling and thanking the waitress in a smooth tone. Making her cheeks get dusted with a light shade of pink, stammering out a welcome then running off.

“Isn't h͞e j̶us͠t͏ a l̵a͏d͢y kilļe͘r̸.”

“So I was thinking with the word we’re using. We could do some sort of twist on the painting the The Kiss by Klimt Poster. The painting itself is beautiful and full of golden coloring but I was thinking of doing something like the original and then doing an  _ after  _ picture.” He states out for Kaneki to give his thoughts on it.

“Oh like a time lapse kind of thing?”

“Yeah something like that…….. A-And it’s okay if you don’t want to do that. It was just an idea I was having after you kinda told me the meaning of the word.” He says glancing at his cup of coffee he hasn’t touched.

“Because with the meaning of Kairosclerosis I think of the original having that true happiness moment. Then if we do it, we can do the fading of that happiness, like the ‘aftertaste’ feeling to it like you said.”

Kaneki takes a sip of the coffee he ordered, gently holding it in his hands for a moment too long for it to be just a  _ slight _ pause. After that, he places it back down on the table.

Hide doesn’t know why. But it felt like that movement Kaneki did was incredibly slow and thoughtful. Like he was regaining a memory lost from a different time.

_ A far away time. _

“No Hide, I think that would be a really great piece to do for this project.” Kaneki says with a tiny smile formed on his lips.

_ But why does your smile look so sad then? _

_ And why does your hair look less black and more grey today? _

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m SAFE!” He yells, throwing his hands up in the sweet, sweet victory of not being late.

Amon just looks at him and just shakes his head, turning back to his work. While Akira just looks unimpressed with him overall (well nothing new there). And Seidou….. Well Sidou just laughs at him but stops mid laugh when Akira gives him a glare that says ‘get back to work fucker’.

Hide loves his co-workers.

Being a delivery boy and somewhat of an assistant with a few things, here and there. Hide can’t really complain much with where he’s at right now. The pay is good and he doesn’t have too much responsibility on his shoulders. So it’s really a win-win.

“Unl̛e͘s̡s t͟h͞e͟y fi̢nd̛ ou̕ţ ҉what͞ ҉ha͘pp͜e̴n͜ed 5̸ m͟o̴n͡tḩs̨ a͜g͜o͘, ̴t͡h̷en y͜ou'̶ll be ̨fuc̸ke̕d̡ ̕H͢idȩ.”

_ But that’s not going to happen. Even if they think something is up with my mentally at work. I’ve already did a few things in my flies so it’ll be harder for the CCG to really look into that unless they do a proper psychiatric review of me. _

While going around the office and giving people their mail and cases, Amon calls for him.

“Hide! Come over here and help me for a second.”

Walking over to Amon’s desk, Hide notices the scattered of cases and flies over the small area.

“Whatcha working on Amon?”

“A case file on this ghoul called ‘Eyepatch’. I need you to look over it and tell me what you think. And I know what you're going to ask. No we don’t have any pictures or camera footage of them. Just a eyewitness sketch.” Amon says handing over the file and a very detailed drawing of a person in a mask over to him.

**_Age_ ** _ : around 19 or 20 _

**_Gender_ ** _ : questioning but thought to be male _

**_Height_ ** _ : around 170 cm _

**_Weight and stature_ ** _ : around 56 kg / slim build _

**_Hair color:_ ** _ White _

**_RC type:_ ** _ Rinkaku _

**_Rating:_ ** _ SS _

 

_ Mhmm I wonder why the white hair? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Really love the kudos and likes! Sorry about moving around the chapters. I just want each chapter too be at least 7 pages long so yeah. But I hoped you like the read today! (=ↀωↀ=)✧


	4. Something bigger going on this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide talks to a new person but how could he be okay with that? Even everything seems so real but him.

 

Hide skims over the very few paragraphs that are on the page. Seeing only really basic information on the ‘ _ dangerous SS’  _ eyepatch ghoul.

 

 

  * __Has been seen with Aogiri Tree, the Clowns, and the Gourmet. Yet no full association with any group has been found out to this day.__


  * _Both Rabbit and Black Rabbit have been seen around the Eyepatch._


  * _Mainly has been seen around the 20th ward and 6th wards._


  * _Has been seen fighting with other ghouls/ killing other ghouls._


  * _Every encounter with the Eyepatch ghoul it has been listed that there has been no deaths from CGG officers._



 

The first thing that jumps out to Hide is that there had been no deaths whatsoever. Yes many other ghoul fights and deaths with their own kind but why no CGG deaths?

_ That just doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Doesn’t this ghoul have to feed on a human body once every month at the least? Wouldn’t it be easier and more satisfying to eat the ones that are after you, rather than hunting for people in the public? _

_ Are they even eating people? _

_ “ _ W͝ould͡ ̕y͘ou͠ wan̴t t͢o ̧e͘a͝t ͢pe̡o̴p͟l͟e H͜ide?”

_ Not helping right now guys.. _

“So what do you think?” Amon ask at him. “I know there isn’t much on there in the first place but it’s all we have.”

“That’s a true thing to say my dude. But I was wondering, why no deaths in the CGG? If their a SS rank ghoul then shouldn’t there be some deaths? Even looking at the other SS ranked ghouls flies, there are multiple deaths on the CCG side.”

“And another thing is that ghouls with this much power normally join a gang. Like Aogiri tree, or the Clowns. Kinda doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you think of it like a normal human gang.”

“What do you mean by that Hide?” Amon ask him, confusion.

“Well like if you think about some human gangs. One group tries to find the bestest person to help protect their other members from danger. If that person doesn’t want to help then money is normally invauled, or even drugs if that’s all they care about.”

“Yes, that's understandable Hide but why hasn’t eyepatch done that yet? Of course with a group so big as Aogiri tree then they could give him humans to eat and a place to sleep. You could even say to give them more protection from the CCG if they were in that much danger.” Amon says with a sign in his voice.

Looking at him better I can see the redness in his eyes and sight darkening under the sockets too.

_ Maybe he’s just tired? He kinda must be. If he’s asking for my help and not Akira’s. _

“Anyway thanks Hide. I just wanted to get someone else thought process on this.”

“No problem, but dude maybe get some sleep or try to relax a little. You're lookin a bit pale in the facial regen.” Hide tells him while gathering the scattered paper on Amon’s desk.

“Your one to talk Hide.”

_ It kinda hurt how true that was of him to say. _

“What????? I’m as fresh as a newborn baby Amon! Could a sleep deprived person do this!” Hide says as he sets the papers back down on Amon’s desk and immediately starts coughing out his lungs.

“Yes. Yes Hide. Someone who is sleep deprived can do that.”

_ Well shit. _

 

* * *

 

 

**Text reminder:** A REMINDER THAT  NAGACHIKA HIDEYOSHI HAS AN APPOINTMENT FRIDAY AT 8:15 P.M. IN THE EVENING WITH DOCTOR TOMOE.

Hide stares at his phone and looking over the text message that lights up his screen. After his last therapist left to go back to school and get a better degree, he’s a little nervous to meet a new one.

_ “Sh͞e'͘s̶ ͢g͘o͟in̴g҉ to ̧s͞e͘nd̴ ̕y̛ǫu ͏a͡w̛a̶y b͘efor̛e ̸you ca͡n̸ eve̷n͝ s͜h҉ut the̷ d͏o̕o̶r.” _

“No she won’t..”

_ “And ho̡w dơ yo͘u ̷k̢n̸o͏w? H̵avę a͢ny proo̵f?” _

“No I don’t but that doesn’t mean she’ll send me away like -”

_ “L̴i̢ke ͠the͝ ͢l͟ast̶ t͏i͞me?” _

“Yeah……….. Like last time.” He says to himself as he deletes the text from his message box .

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So tell me a little bit about what you and your previous therapist did in the last year or so?” Mrs. Tomoe says, as she pulls back a few strains of her long black hair behind her ear. 

Hides keeps his eyes glued to the ground, not daring to look at the woman in front of him. Hands clasped together tightly in his lap to not to seem nervous but in reality, It’s probably making him look even more nervous because they tremble in the most humiliating way. 

Silence fills the room but his lingering heartbeat makes everything seem so suffocating and too close to breath.

“Ahh well let’s just start with some easier questions then.” Mrs. Tomoe says smoothly.

“What’s are somethings that makes you calm? It can be anything really, just something that helps you in the moment.”

“I-I think music can help when I need to focus on schoolwork or anything. Just something that gives me better background noise then…. then them.” Hide says hesitantly.

Mrs. Tomoe nods and writes something down on her notepad that lays on her lap. 

_ “S͢h҉e'͢s ͟p͘ro͘b͘a̢b͢l͡y ̛w͏r͞iting ͞abǫu̕t h͡ow̴ ̵she̛'ll͝ k͝ill ͞your ͡m̴u̧m̕.” _

_ “Wh̷y͠ talk to̧ ̶he̵r, ̨if ͏your͟ on҉l̶y g͏i͡vi͝n̶g̨ her͘ m̡o҉re̡ ͏informa͜ti͝on ͟a̕b͘o̶u̵t ̵y̡ou?͜ ̡Do ͝y̸ou ͝w̷ąnt her͏ t͘o ͡ķi͜ll yǫu ̵t͟o̧o? S͘h͢e ̷c̵oul̢d̵ ̨d̡o̢ it ͡too͢.” _

_ Deep breaths in. _

_ 1, 2, 3, 4… _

_ Deep breaths out. _

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6….

“That’s a really great way to focus on things Hide. I’ve heard many times from others who have intrusive voices, that music is a big part of their lives now after developing the synonymes.” Mrs. Tomoe smiles gently as she lifts her head from writing. 

“What kind of music do you like to listen to? And don’t worry I’m not one of those therapist who thinks that people get these synonymes from listening to certain types of music.”

“I think-”

_ “H͘i͡de pl̷e͡ase̴ don'̡t.̨...͘” _

Hide starts to talk but is side tracked when a child-like voice calls out to him. The almost pledging of the girls voice is what makes him feel like if he does speak, that he is doing a great betrayal to the child that he knows is in his mind.

That the child that just spoke to him, is just his brain and not real.

_ But why does she sound so damn real if she’s not real? _

“It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything right now about things you like Hide. Specially since this is the first time we’re meeting.”

He looks up to see Mrs. Tomoe’s eyes. ‘ _ The color of a ruby.’ _  Hide thinks to himself before bringing his gaze back down towards the ground were it belongs.

“Thank you….” He whispers to her. Feeling as if he speaks up too loudly it would bring them back.

“Then let’s continue. How would you say your liking your medication? It’s Perphenazine, right? Having any side effects that are causing more trouble than good?”

“Uh …..I sometimes feel like it’s not doing its job on helping me with the emotions that come on a day to day basis. Like I know it’s not going to help me right away and it can’t possibly fix everything……… But I’m just ……” Hide speaks but falls flat on the words he’s saying.

_ Don’t say your struggling damn it. Don’t say anything about how sleep is becoming less and less over the span of a month. I can run on 3 hours. I can handle the words they speak to me everyday. I can handle the strange things that come out of nowhere, that no one else sees.  _

_ I can do this, I’m in control. I won’t fuck up like last night. _

“I’ve just been a little stressed with school that’s all.” He says trying to be as confident as he can be right now, with even the cold sweat dripping down his back.

“Yeah school and classes could be very hard on the mental state of a student. Does anyone of your teachers know about your disorder?” 

“No, they don’t know about anything that I’m going through but I prefer it that way.”

“And why’s that?” Mrs. Tomoe asks suddenly. 

He doesn’t reply right away because with even saying the truth about his feelings, about not telling anyone about it. It doesn’t mean he hates saying it aloud.

“Because when people know you… you hear things and see things that other people can’t see and feel, they look at you differently. Though they’ve known you already for days, weeks, months, and even years. It just doesn’t matter when they find out. The looks, the questions, the passive comments, everything changes and that’s why I don’t like people knowing about it. Because once they do, they don’t just see ‘you’ anymore, they see the danger that you are to them.”

Mrs. Tomoe writes more down on the notepad in her lap. That only makes Hide’s head feel stiffer and pained with a migraine coming on. Always starting from his eyes and seeping into the back of his skull.

_ Too much emotions. _

_ Too many thoughts.  _

“Well what about your mother? Did she change after finding out about the diagnosis?” She ask almost delicately. 

Hide feels the need to take a look back on how much his mum changed after everything that happened. It wasn’t fast like most people he told and knew. No, it was slow and painful like someone dying of cancer.

_ The shine in her eyes growing tired with darkening shades of purple around the sockets. Her hair becoming more unmanaged as she now doesn’t have the time to do it in the mornings and insteads calls me, to see if I haven’t fucked up anything lately in my own life. Stressing over how and if our insurance company pays for my medication and therapy sessions. Worrying about how I’ll move through life as a person with a mental disorder that has no cure or solid treatment that could fix this without trying me into a living doll of drugs that they feed me. _

_ So yeah. She sure has changed over time like everyone else in the life I have to live now. _

“Yes, she has changed too.” He says weakly to her.

“She really has.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Walking out of the therapy office is something Hide never liked. 

Of course nothing is wrong with getting therapy for anything but the haunting paranoia that creeps into his bones with every step he takes just seems too make him more on edge.

The thoughts that he can feel people make, the thoughts that he can  _ hear _ them make. 

He knows their talking about him. He just knows it

And that’s why he must leave fast before they know that he’s can hear them in his head. If they find out he can hear them talk, then he’s not safe. Not safe at all.

“ _ R̨͕̖̻u̸n̰̤̘̤͢ _ .”

_ “Y͇̰̭̬̥o̱͖̟͙̟̼̭u͚͈̥ ̶̺̼h̸͔a̙̻͚̩̞̩v̴̝̮̲͍e ̠͙͈̰̦̘̣t͞o̡̹̝̟ ̧̝̝̫̼r҉̮̖̰̰̞̫u̧̹̠̤̥n͈̥̺͔ ͍̦Hid̫e̷̬͔͔͇.” _

He tries to walk steadily and calmly as he can but that turns to not enough as the gripping anxiety corners his mind into a frenzy. Quick walking steps turn into jogging, and the jogging turns into full on sprints towards the bus stop.

But it’s not even safe on the bus stop. 

_ Jesus Christ it was never safe on there to begin with _ . 

So he can’t go on there ethier. He just keeps on running towards his dorm, where he lives, where Nishiki lives, where things are familiar, where he goes to school. 

The cold weather burns his lungs, the sting of acid in his muscles makes him feel more alive then he’s felt in the past month or so. Suddenly as he passes by buildings, people, lights, trees, signs. Those things start to twist and morph into creatures of the shadows. With crazy bloodshot eyes, long strange appendages flowing from their bodies. 

But Hide runs. He runs evening knowing logically that those things that move and creek in the night around him aren’t really there. That his brain is just making up chemicals just too mess with him even more. But for fucks sake why does it all seem so real??

He turns corners of streets and passes by countless side roads. Finally his feet bring him back to the university. Seeing the building gives him a tiny bit of relief but not enough to make him stop running. He continues on until he’s safely in front of his dorm door. 

_ Still not safe. Still not safe. _

Fumbling with his keys in his hands. The sweat build up with them, make getting the keys into the lock harder than normal. They shake with tiredness and nervousness as he tries so desperately to just fit them in the  _ fucking _ lock.

_ Come on. Come on! I need to get in now! _

As he starts to get too frustrated to even get it close to the lock. He starts to panic and grabs the door handle roughly. Jerking it forwards towards him as if it could or would open with the strength that he pulls it with.

_ “The͘ir co̢mi͠nģ.” _

_ “H̨įde. You ņeed̢ ͢t͜o ̸get ͞this ͘doo͞r op͠e͜n ͟n͏o̷w͢.̨ if͢ ͟yo̧u͢ ̸d̴on'͏t,͏ t͏he̶y will com̵e҉ f̶or ͝y̨o̸u͞ a̵ga͝i̕n.” _

_ They’ll come for me. They’ll come for me. They’ll come for me again! _

The door tugs away from Hide a bit.

“Damn it Hide! Let out of the door dude.” Nishiki says from the other side.

_ I need to let go of the handle. Let go of it……. So I can go inside.  _

_ It’s safe inside. _

He lets go of the door handle. Watching as it slowly opens up, revealing a very confused looking Nishiki in plaid boxers and a plain white t-shirt. Hide just stands there thinking as if Nishiki won’t let him in. Might even just make Hide sleep outside for the night.

_ I deserve that. _

“What? You gunna stand there all night? Come on.” Nishiki says, waving him in.

Hide takes no time to waste, as he walks in and takes off his shoes and hangs up his coat. He then turns around and Nishiki is just leaning against the hallway wall.

“You alright?” He ask Hide calmly.

Hide just nods his head as an reply. Feeling as if he speaks any words, then they would betray him in a sense.

“Okay then. Well maybe a shower would do you some good too. Your sweating like you just ran 10 miles.” As Nishiki says that, Hide just feels suddenly all the wetness and how his clothes cling to his skin.

He just nods his head again.

Nishiki being the good guy he is, doesn’t push the matter of why he’s back so late, covered in sweat, and probably looks a goddamn mad man right now.

_ That’s what I like about him so much. No pushing questions, no ‘what’s wrong with you?’, no constant worrying about my well being. He looks after his own life and I respect that. _

Hide walks into the bathroom and closes the door. Turning on the shower and making sure it’s at the right temp. He looks at himself in the mirror, and he regrets it.

He doesn’t see himself anymore, not even a stranger this time. More like a unextistanced being that died million of years ago. The way his eyes look dull yet filled with energy and erratic, the bags under his sockets look like they came right off the crow itself. His skin color looks so pale and unhealthy, he could almost think that he just came out of a room after 5 days. The way his hair is short yet long. Too short to tie back but too long for it too not look like a birds nest of tangled stains of hair.

He touches the mirror to see if maybe, maybe that it’s just a picture of that Nishiki put up as a prank to fool him but the image moves as he does. Taking his other hand and touches his face as well. Feeling the skin underneath his fingers doesn’t make him feel any less better.

“Ahahah…..” He starts to chuckle to himself quietly.

“Your not even a person anymore.” He says to the person in the mirror.

The smile on his face slips away from his features and tears start to stream down his face. He holds in a sob as the tears just keep coming down.

“Your not even a real person…….”

“Just another fake image to play tricks me again.” He says as finally the sobs break out of his lips and he slowly falls to the floor. Cradling himself as he rocks back and forth. Whispering over and over again.

“Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ Everyone! I'm back to start up this story again after finishing my Black Honey fic. I don't know how much I'll update this fanfic but I'll try to do it as much as I can.
> 
> Also I hope you like this chapter. It's slow but it's a slow burn fic in the first place.


	5. Could you explain to me how the world works?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide is totally a music hoe and well as a art hoe. Nishiki worries about he's roomie and Hide takes a walk but ends up somewhere maybe he shouldn't be.

 

“Hide?” Kaneki whispers to himself as his kagune slide out of the skull of another ghoul.

_ Was that the kid from class? Why was he running? Did he see me? Fuck what if he did see me? _

_ No, no. He couldn’t know it’s me. I have my mask on. There’s no way…. _

“What?” Ayato says standing next to him.

“No it’s nothing……” He replies to the younger boy.

Ayato doesn’t question him. Just conuites to mark off the name of the ghoul Kaneki just killed in his little notebook. Making sure that they don’t fuck up anything in the order they got from Uta. Knowing how Uta acts when things aren’t done in the order he wants them too.

“That’s the last one I guess.” Ayato says to Kaneki. Looking over all of the names that have been crossed off in the past 2 hours.

“I told you that you shouldn’t come when I have to do this. You have school to focus on now anyway.” Kaneki says as he takes out a cloth from his pocket to try to wipe off the blood that clings to his pale hands.

_ When did I even get blood on my hand? Fuck their dirty. Even under the fingernails? I need a shower. I need one now. I need to be cleaned. _

“Yeah, yeah I get it. But it’s just some extra cash anyway. What’s so bad about that?” Ayato says snapping the tiny notebook shut and shoving it back into his back pocket.

“What makes it so ‘ _ bad _ ’ is that you could get hurt Ayato. What would Tokua do it something happened to you? Specially sense she just got you back into her life…”

Ayato suddenly turns to him. Fire in his eyes and fist balled to his sides.

“What makes it so good for you to do it anyway? You have school too. It’s not even school it fucking college at Kamii dickface! What makes you so much more better to go around and say I should just drop this all?” 

“Because you actually have a future here.”

_ Because you have something to live for…... _

Ayato grabs Kaneki by the shirt, smashing him against the brick wall of the small alley building.

“You think you know me? Huh?! Just because you live with me and Tokua. Givin us pity fuckin money to helps us leave this ‘normal’ life you speak of, doesn’t mean shit! You think we could ever live a good life? With the way we are? HUH!? Just because you got turned into a half-assed test tube doesn’t mean anything to me.” Ayato snarls in his face. Gripping his shirt so hard that  Kaneki could hear the seams start to tear underneath the boy’s finger tips.

Kaneki doesn’t say anything back to him. He only waits out until Ayato’s burning fire beings to lessen over the seconds that pass between them. But that doesn’t happen.

“Fuck you then prick.” Ayato whispers harshly to him before letting go of his shirt and starts to walk away.

“You can go give Uta his damned finished orders. I’m fucking going home.” He says throwing the notebook back at Kaneki.

Ayato leaves Kaneki alone in the alley way. Alone with a dead corpse of a person he never knew, alone with the cold dried up blood still lingering on his hands.

_ I deserve that. I deserve all of it.  _ Kaneki thinks to himself as he pulls up the black zip up bag. Shoving the body into the plastic casing, it doesn’t fix but he’ll make it fit.

He’ll make it fit.

He has too make it fit.

His hands shake as he grib the limbs of the dead body, breaking the bones in the arms and legs. Hearing the cracking and ripping of flesh as he does so. It sickens him.

_ I can do this.  _

_ I can do this for them. _

_ I have to do this for them. _

_ There is no other way but this. _

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Kaneki?” 

“Yeah Hide?”

“What kind of music do you like?” He ask the other boy while balancing a pencil on the top of his upper lip.

_ Maybe if I can ask him about music I’ll get better handling with talking about other stuff, hell maybe even get to know him better. _

_ Fuck I hope so... _

It’s another wednesday at the art studio and both of them are staring endlessly at their project. Which hasn’t moved much in progress.

“That’s an out of blue question to ask.” Kaneki says back to him as he looks over the drafts of different sketches he’s made in the past two weeks.

“Ahh you think so?” Hide replies to him. 

“I was just thinking about this new band I was listening to this morning. Like not a lot of people probably listen to them because their not well known yet and that got me thinking. How sometimes people with no similar taste in other things find the same taste in music.” He talks on.

_ Damn it! I’m not making a whole lot of sense. I hope he gets what’s I’m saying. _

“You really like music don’t you?” Kaneki ask him.

_ Huh? _

“Hahah I guess you could say that. I just find music so nice at times. It takes a special type of person to make something that can touch people's hearts in the way that only music can do.” He says while dropping the pencil off his upper lip and onto the table.

“Because music is literature too. Like of course when it’s just instrumental there aren’t any words to it but when the lyrics follow with the beat of it, it can be truly amazing.” He says happily. Not knowing that the other in staring at him in ‘ah’.

Hide looks over and sees Kaneki staring at him. 

“Ahhh sorry kinda got lost in the thought of it.” He says sheepishly. 

“No I actually agree with you on that. I think music can really touch a person in a way that normal words can’t. I think that’s the charm of it.” Kaneki says with a small smile formed on his lips.

“Totally dude! So do you have any specific genres that you like?” 

“Uh…. I don’t think I could really pin down what I like in just a simple ‘genre’ term. I guess I just like anything that I find myself drawn into. Something that I can connect with on a level.” Kankei says nervously.

“I especially like music that I can feel.” 

“You sound like some type of Hipster dude.” Hide teases him

“What? Really?”

“Kinda but I’m just playing with you. What anyway what do you mean by that? Like in your soul? Spirit? Some people like the word spirit so I was throwing that out there if you liked it better.” Hide laughs awkwardly. 

“No, more as if the music is following through your body. A fluid motion between oneself and the beat of the music. That is the type of music I truly enjoy.”

“Wow dude, that’s pretty amazing thing to say.”

“You think so? Most people think I think to much into it at times.”

“Nah, nah. I think music has that power over us like that. Yeah some music is just great to listen to and dance but there are always songs that make you feel something that you can’t really explain in a sense.” He looks down at the papers, feeling too shameful to look the other boy in the face.

_ Should I? _

_ Should I ask him if he would want to listen to music with me? _

_ N-no I shouldn’t. He’ll probably think my music taste is shit anyway…. I- _

“ _ S̕t̸op̵ being a stu̵p͞i̸d bi̶t̸ch Hide a̕n̕d͏ ̵ask͏ h̷im.” _

_ “N͢o͢! ̸Don'҉t҉ as͝k h̨i͞m! ̕W̧e̵ ̡do͡n'̕t̷ k̢no͝w ҉him well͘ eno̕u̶ģh̨ f͟or͠ t̴h͜at̛!͝!̵” _

Hide starts to feel the overwhelming feeling of dread again. The feeling of being judged by other, the fear of being rejected. He can’t do it. He can’t just ask a simple boy if we just wanted to listen and exchain bands with one another. 

He just can’t….

Not now.

They both fall back into a silence that they started out with. Kaneki of course, can’t hear the words that are being said into Hide’s ears as the class continues on.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Hide it’s almost like fucking…” Nishiki takes a look on his watch for a second to get the right time.

“It’s 9:13 dude. What the hell do you have to do on a wednesday night in the middle of fall.” He says to Hide. Watching the other slips on his boots from sitting on the floor.

“Nothing really. I just feel like I need to get some air after this day.” Hide says tying up his laces.

Looking more closely, Nishiki can see that the bags hanging under Hides eyes are just getting darker over the passing weeks. Fuck if he’s supposed to know what the hell the kid’s up too. Being the older of the two, he almost thought that maybe it would be easier for Hide to ask him for advice. Or at least come to him if he needs help.

Guess the fuck not.

But still, Nishiki doesn’t want to push anything on the kid. Yeah his heard here and there the rumors around campus about something strange with him but there just rumors right? 

_ Right _ ?

“Well okay. I have my phone on me if you get your ass lost or something.” He says trying to laylow on the ‘I’m actually a little worried about you but I’m absolutely shit at talking so I hope you know what I’m saying here’.

“Mhmm k.” Hide says standing up and grabbing his coat.

Hide’s almost out the door but Nishiki says has to at least say something.

“See you around.” He plays off cooly, or just tries to be cool.

“See you around too dude.”

After that Hide shuts the door and Nishiki is left in the empty dorm alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hide walks around the wards for awhile. Feeling the cold weather linger it’s way through his coat and barely touch his skin. But he enjoys it. The cold has always been his more favorable weather then the stickly hotness that summer can bring during its own time of the year.

Not many people are around during this time of night. Only some couples walking around to probably going to see movies or eat a meal together. Kinda gives him a plague of envy.

Having the confidences to go out with someone and actually have fun with them throughout the night without having some type of mental breakdown.

Fuck envy he’s just jealous at this point.

_ “You ͝shoul͢d ͏go̢ ̶ha͟ve ̡fu͠n ҉too̕ ͏Hi̕de͘.” _

_ “F̵un?͘ C͝a͝n he ev͏en͘ h͡ave f͡un͘ a͠nymore?͘” _

_ You guys really should make your minds instead of telling me what to do with my life. Like what you guys do all the time. _

_ “W̡e͢'r̵e just t͠ryin̛g t̸o ̕h͜elp asshole.” _

_ “C͡om͠e̵ ̨on̢ Hide~ ̷L͟et'̷s g͏o ̧h̕a̵v̨e̕ ͞f҉ųn!” _

As Hide tries not to listen to them as they chatter to each others, he sees a bright red sign that reads ‘Helter Skelter’.

There’s a line but it’s not very long. People dressed in all types of clothings going in and out of the place. You could almost hear the base of the music echo off the walls from outside of the building.

_ “G͠o ҉in̡.” _

_ “Th͠eres̷ n̡o̷t̸h̷ing holdin̴g͞ ̨y̢o̧u͏ b͟a̴c̡k. ̡Just̷ ͏ḑo͟ ͡it̢.҉” _

_ “H͞av̵e̵ ̶sǫme͏ fu҉n o͞n̸c̴e i͘n a͏ ҉w͞h͜ile~” _

“I really shouldn’t..” He whispers to himself.

As he says that, a push hits him from the back sending him stumbling forward a bit.

“Oh silly me! I’m so sorry about that. Are you alright??” A lively voice calls out from behind him.

“Nah it’s my fault -” Hide turns around to face the person.

A women in her probably older twenties has an apologetic look on her face. Her hair almost a cross between pink and red, making a raspberry filled color that flows down the side of her face. Wearing a long black satin dress with a small also black furrer shawl around her bare shoulders.

“I-it’s my fault, really. I shouldn't of stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk like that.”

“Wow! A guy apologizing to me for a change! What a sight to see.” She says warmly.

Hide doesn’t reply back to her. A little uncomfortable in the situation at hand.

“Are you going in?” She ask him.

“What?”

“Are you going into the club? That’s what I’m asking silly!” She beams at him.

“I don’t know…”

“Ahhh it’s alright! I’ll make it fun for you. Is it your first time in a place like this?” She ask him as she grabs his hand, tugging him forward towards the red glowing building.

“Uh-h y-yeah it is.” He says to her. She doesn’t even go into the line but instead just skips the whole thing and goes straight for the entrance.

“Uh don’t we have to go in the line?? Everybody has been waiting. I don’t think they’ll be happy if we skip them like this.” 

“Ohh don’t worry about that. If they can’t handle that then they can just leave, not my problem if they can’t take the owner going in to her own club.”

“What? Your the owner of this place?”

“Sure am! Now let’s have a good time? You like to dance?” She ask him as they are already passing the bouncer and are entering the club itself.

_  “She͘ ͞see͟ms n̶i͞ce!” _

_ That’s already not a good thing for them to being saying! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey guys! Sorry this is a little late! I still hope some of you guys like this story. I know it's slow now but that's what 'slow burn' means.


	6. And you lost yourself again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bar is a place where people like to escape the world around them
> 
> There will be a song towards the end and I'll put a ink for it. I also want to put a scene from a movie in here for there will be a ink for that too. Just to show what the bar looks like on the inside.

[The song the boi's dance to in the end](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJHW9Y0oIdA)

 

[Just a feel of what the inside of the club looks like.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_arud-VxDQ)

 

As they both walk in, the heavy music engulfs Hide’s eardrums. He could even feel the vibration in the tips of his fingers.

_ What’s that smell? _

Looking around the place is harder then Hide would like to admit. The darkness of the rooms puts him at a new level of anxiety. The only light source is the red tinted neon-lights that glow from above everyone’s heads. The other people around are dancing closely together. Their bodies seem to move effortlessly as the music probably destroys their eardrums in the process.

The woman who is the owner of the place keeps on tugging on my hand until we both make it to the bar.

“What would you like honey?” She half yells over the music.

Hide too overwhelmed over everything that’s happening so fast. He tries not to stammers over his thoughts of what he should say to her.

“I guess I’ll get whatever your getting?” He smiles nervously at her as he takes a seat on one of the stools in front of him. 

“Okay then~.” She says as her blood-red lips curl into a grin.

She signals the bartender by making some type of weird hand motions. The bartender just nods back at her. It doesn’t even feel like 30 seconds have passed when the bartender slides over a set of shot glasses and a tea kettle?

He’s pretty confused on why a tea kettle is beside the empty shot glasses until she starts to pour a dark brown liquid into the glasses. She hands him a shot and takes it in his hand.

_ I’m really not supposed to be drinking on my medication. _

“Ohhh it’s just a chai fireball silly! It’s not gunna hurt you!” 

“ _ Do̷ it҉!” _

_ “No,̛ n͡o d̴o̸n'̷t҉ ̸do̡ ͢t͡hi͠s ͢Hide!͏ ͏Y̢ou̵ ̢d̢o̡n͜'t k͡now̴ w͡h̵at's҉ i̵n iţ!” _

_ “Y͞ou d͢on'͟t̴ ̢kno҉w͏ ̢t̴his woma̡n̛!” _

_ I’ll do what the hell I want! _

Without thinking so much into it, Hide throws his head back and downs the shot. The slight burn in his throat scares him but soon is replaced with a sweet cinnamon taste.

He likes it.

He likes it a lot more than the bitter-piss beer he normally gets at the parties he rarely goes to.

“My names Itori by the way!” She yells towards him as she downs her own tall shot glass.

“What is this??” He ask her holding up another shot glass. The brown liquid shining through the clear glass.

“Oh~ my friends that’s what I call a ‘chai whiskey fireball’ it’s my own special drink on colder days.” She giggles happily as she starts to pour 4 more shots.

They start to take more shots as the time passes and Hide is feeling more relaxed as well. He feels more opened with her. She talks for both of them which he likes the best about Itori. Telling him stories of bad relationships and crazy situations she’s gotten into, and how she’s gotten out of them.

As Itori is talking about some dude she fucked when she was younger and later found out he was actually 12 years older than her and had a wife and kids. A man talks up to her side and whispers something in her ear. As he talks into her ear, her glossy lips spread into a wicked grin.

“Thanks doll~ I’ll keep an  _ ‘eye’ _ out for him.” She tells the man and he just nods silently and walks away.

“What’s that about?” Hide ask her. Feeling more confident about asking her things while the buzz fills into his head.

“OOhhh that? It’s nothing really. Just a little ‘white flower’ is supposed to be coming in here soon~.” She says to him, taking one of her perfectly manicured fingers and smoothing it against the edge of an empty shot glass.

_ A white flower? Does she mean like real flowers? Or does she mean like ‘drugs’ in some type of code? Oh goD! I can’t do drugs! I’m already on drugs! Well drugs that a doctor gives me butttttttt……...  _

_ What am I thinking about again? _

“ _ D̷..r͟...͞.͜..iu҉gbu͘.͞...͏” _

“Ahaha what?” Hide giggles into his hand as he listens to the voices try to form words to speak to him.

“You’ll see soon.” Itori says leaning forward onto the bar table.  “Don’t worry, you really can’t miss him in here.” She winks at him.

They both settle into a comfortable silence as the music is still blaring above their heads. Hide feeling good with the buzz that’s lingering within him, feeling warm and giddy. The voices in his head are just mingling into nonsense now like the rest of the background sounds.

“Hey you want to dance?” Itori ask him.

“Uhh I’ve never really danced like…….” He trails off, looking into the small crowds of people moving up and down. They all move in different motions, all with different people. Boys and girls, boys and boys, girls and girls, people with people.

_ It looks like fun though. _

Itori slides off of her seat carefully. Standing up beside him, she extends her hand out for him.

“Come on it’ll be fun. No one is going to judge you when everyone else is dancing or trying to getting drink in here!” She smiles kindly at him. Hand still waiting for his.

“ _ D.͜.͜..o͜.̵.ebu..t.̴t̢.t̷.d҉.͢” _

_ “S͢c̷...̧.̵..͢.͜a̶.͢.̸r͝.͡.̢w.s.͢s.̡yy” _

He’s still hesitant to grab for her hand but with the smile on Itori’s face he rethinks it and finally says ‘fuck it.’ Grabbing a hold of her hand and jumping out of his seat. They both giggle like teenage school girls while making their way onto the dance floor.

The music is loud and heavy but they don’t care. They lip sync the songs that plays on while their bodies get closer because of the larging of the dance floor but Hide doesn’t care.

He doesn’t fucking care!

He’s having fun with a stranger he just meet and doesn’t feel like running out of the building screaming for once in the past 6 months. He feel free and less emotional right now.

_ Is this what they say? To be in the moment? To be grounded to reality? Fuck this feels so much more amazing than anything! So much more better then worrying about everything and everyone. Worrying about mum, about school, about the voices, and fuck even about myself! _

_ This must be what I’ve been missing all this time! _

Hide gets lost into the music. Moving to the beat and swaying side to side as the rhyme gets lower and deeper as the song moves to the nest one. But soon after he doesn’t know how many songs later, Hide notices that Itori isn’t next to him anymore?

“Huh?”

He looks around and through the bodies sweaty people he just doesn’t see her anywhere to be found. But it it doesn’t get to him. He doesn’t feel trapped without someone by his side. Instead he keeps on dancing to the music, people coming up to him, handing him drinks that he has no idea what’s in them.

_ But you know? Fuck it! _

_ Fuck anxiety! Fuck the paranoia! Fuck the chronic depression! Fuck the voices! And fuck life! _

He doesn’t feel the normal dread that would come with being around so many people, instead he feels great as they come up to him. He actually likes it! They smile and cheer him on with every beat of the music.

“What are you doing here.” A voice calls out to him.

_ Wowwww! Have I’ve gotten so sober that I can hear them again? Maybe I need another drink- _

As he thinks about going to get more of that chai thingy that Itori was making for them he turns around to be face to face with another stranger.

But this time the stranger  that is talking to him looks worried and sad, and a bit familiar?

“Heyyy!” Hide calls out to the other boy that looks oddly out of place.

By the meaning of that, he means that the boy looks like he should probably be in a grave on how dead he looks.

_ Ohh that’s a little mean to say I guess… Waiting I’m thinking that not talking. _

_ But still. _

The other boy has pure white hair and bags under his eyes sockets that could beat his own if there was ever such a contest for sleep deprivation looks. He only wears black. A black turtleneck, black pants, and black shoes.

Black, black, black, and then finally white.

“You need to leave.” The other boy says to him strangely. As everyone else around them are dancing, he’s the only one standing in place. Not moving a muscle.

“But I’m having a lot of fun here dude!” He says to the mysterious stranger. “Why leave when your having fun right??”

“Because  _ ‘this’ _ fun is dangerous Hide. Being here is dangerous for you.” The boy in black says to him.

“That’s silly to say! How do you even know my name in the first place? Do I know you~?” Hide does a little eyebrow wiggle as he ask the other boy.

“Your drunk Hide..”

“Your drunk whatever your name is.”

The other boy sighs in frustration. Taking a hand and pushing it throw his white locks as he looks off in the distance.

Staring off into nowhere as if he’s looking back at a memory. 

Looking back at an mistake.

“Fine. If your not going to leave then might as while watch over you.”

Hide just smiles cordially at him. Feeling the warmth of someone wanting to hang out with him. Even if he can only he sociallable and nice to be with if he’s buzzed.

A new song starts up and the beat is intense and hypnotic.

“ _ All is seen in silence, _

_ All the truths were lies, _

_ Bending words misguide you, _

_ I vow to make it right.” _

Hide moves closer to the other boy as the song seems to get louder and louder. A slightly plague of uneasiness hits him.

_ Am I getting too close to him? He probably doesn’t want to dance if …. If he has- _

But as soon as Hide’s thoughts start up, they are stopped in their tracks as the other boy gets closer to him as well.

_ “And you lost yourself, _

_ And you found your way, _

_ And then you went and lost yourself again.” _

Their bodies get closer and closer, feeling every heavy beat of the song roar through the atmosphere that they tangle themselves in each other.

_ “Don't ask me I'm lying, _

_ Don't ask me I'm fine.” _

“What’s your name?” Hide ask the boy in his ear.

“You don’t need to know that.” He replies.

“Well it’s a little unfair if you know my name and I can’t call you anything. I would like to know your name at least.”

The other boy doesn’t say anything. He just keeps on moving, swaying to the haunting music. Suddenly Hide feels a pair of hands on his hips. He sees that the pair of pale hands belong to the nameless boy with him. But he doesn’t mind, no. Hide gets even closer now.

_ “ _ _ Own it if you're trying, _

_ Own it with your life.” _

The nameless boy brings both of their hips together, grinding them both slightly with the sweetness function. Hips swaying together, legs in between one and another. 

_ “And you lost yourself, _

_ And you found your way, _

_ And then you went and lost yourself again.” _

Hide starts to feel sweaty and energetic as both of them continue to move. He brings both of his hands up to smooth it through the boys scalp. It’s probably bad that their so close, practically sandwiched together. But both of them can’t really find a reason to move apart from one another.

_ “ _ _ Knowing all we've done before, _

_ We can stand atop the world, _

_ Now that we found our way.” _

Hide is so close that his face is almost buried in the side of the other boys neck. The smell of stale cigarette smoke and cheap lavender wash start to make his head dizzy. 

_ “So glad we found our way.” _

He turns his head towards the other boy. The red neon lights that shine on them making the sweat thats builded up on the other boys forehead gimmer in the light, as if it were glitter.

_ “All of life is fleeting fast, _

_ Love the ones make it last.” _

They both look at each other. Bodies grinding, hearts beating heavy, sweat clinging to their skin.

Hide takes his hand and holds the back of the other boys head. For a split second he looks into the bother boys eyes. Dark as the night, but filled with passion.

He moves in closer. Moving the space that was only holding them a few inches apart. Their kiss is slow and powerful. Hands in each others hair, tugging and pulling at one another.

They pull apart and breath into each other. Catching their breaths as if they just ran a marathon. The other boy pulls Hide closer again, but this time he whispers something in his ear.

“You already know my name but don’t think to hard about it. It could get you in some big trouble.” He reply to Hide’s question.

_ What? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope all of you guys liked this chapter. It's a little all over the place so please take mercy on me!!  
> I also want to say I really appreciate the comments and feed back on the chapters!


	7. The drunken rants of a sad man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened the night after the dance?
> 
> I'll give a song for the feel towards the end of the chapter too. 
> 
> Fuck do I like shoving my music in y'alls faces.

_ [The song I listened a lot to while writing this and thought it was great](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeBB2IU9j4k) _

 

_ “H͎̘ḛ̶̪̩̯'̴̖͎̖s҉̙͔ ̢̬̼̤͕̦a͚̪̝͙ ̟̟͘f̭̞̠̼͘uc̪̳̥̱͇k̝̹̭͈ͅi͞n̩̞̤̕ ̜̺̦͠m̭̰͓̪̞̣̳e͍͚͞ͅs̹̝̠ṣ̩̲͎̼͠ͅ.” _

_ “S͎ţ̳̤il̥̬̮͖̹͕͔l̛̖̜̳͚ ̮̯͉̯̗s̼̺̕l̳̪̣͓̤̪̺e͓̯̪e̸̲͕͈p͕̼̦̩͕͓i̡̱̳̗̖͔̳̫n̛̦g̺̪̪̺?ͅ ̕P͓͉̱̙̫̳̙r͚̮o̺̙̹b͇͝a̛̟̰̫͙̜͕b̡l͚y̗̹͕ ͍͍̮̖̹̖i̶̙̯̳n̼̱ ̢͙̲̣̠a͙̻͚̹ ̯̥̗̗ͅd̪̪̳͍͈̹͇͜a̺̙̪̘͙͙͘m̼͡n͟ ̥co̵m̳͔̟a ͍͚͖̟͢ͅf̸̤̱r̳̹̺̭̳o̘̤̤̪̻m̛̳͉̮͓̻̯ ͢d͎̭̱̘̝r̕i̡͍̭͈̣n̦͔k͚i̺̞̼͙̹̺̻͡n̼̠̤̲ͅg̨̭̠͓̰̘.” _

_ “W̸͚͙̻̱̯͖̥h̯̼̥̯̜a͍͎͙̗̥̭̼ţ͕͙̳̝̪ ̛i̟̜͇̤͙̹͖f̸ ̴̲h̼e̟͜'̺͉͕͕s̖ ̤͕͎̺d̥̪̼͔̣͝ea̭̝͙d̗͎̝!̷̩͙̻̝ ̜̙̙͟W̱͙̻̙̜̙͕h̖̺̖ạ͔͉t̡͕͖ ̧̟̥̰̬̬̯̖a̩̩̼̹̖̫ṟ̶̜̺e̳͢ ̱̯̬̙w͏̤̮͕̞͕̙̺e̛̼̺̥͖̖ ̧͍̩͖g̵̖o͏͉͉͖͚i̷̬͇͖̱͔̜̤n͇̟̫͇̬̖̖g͍̟͓ ̬̤͓̜̮t͙̜o̧̳̺ ̱͈͇͔̭̻̖ḓ̦̼̲͎̹̮͟o̮̟̗͈̘̯̘?̛͕?̖?̵̺̦͕̠͔͖̱?” _

 

“Oh sweet Jesus please stop talking for just like 2 fucking minutes.” He grumbles out, burying his face more into the comfy blankets that lay underneath him.

He keeps his eyes closed because his feels like his head is about to explode from the inside out. And this time it’s not from the chronic migraines he gets.

_ What, what, what a minute here. _

As he lays still, the memoirs of last night come back into light from the fuzziness of his mind. Strange kind girl with blood red lips, weird shots with a tea kettle, dancing, fuck lots of dancing, white hair, giggling, hot lips, warm hands, no name, big trouble, and then nothing.

Nothing.

He can’t remember anything after that.

That’s not good at all.

_ Does that mean? _

Hide shoots up from where he was laying and takes a look around. To his surprise, he’s in his own bed, in his own room, in his own dorm.

A soothing type of relief comes over him. Combing his fingers through his hair  tiredly as a long tatted sigh escapes from his chapped lips. 

He moves the blankets from off of himself, noticing that he’s still in last night’s clothes.

_ How did I even make it back here? Did that guy help me or something? He did know my name so that’s one thing…… but knowing where I live is another thing. _

_ I wonder if he goes to Kamii too? _

*knock* *knock*

“Are you alive in there?”

Hide steps off of the bed and makes his way to the door. Opening it, he see Nishiki with his arms crossed.

“Well as you can see I am 100% alive right now. Or at least I think I am.” Hide tries to smile at him but the migraine makes it hard not to wince from the pain.

“Okay then, well anyway you look like shit and the shower is free if you want to use it. I made some food if you want some too, just don’t eat it all.” Nishiki says normally.

_ See if anyone else said this to me I would probably think it’s just plain rude but I’m 94% sure this is just how Nishiki is most of the time when he can’t really show his feelings. _

“Ahh will do dude! Oh and can I ask you something?” Hide says as he walks out of his room and makes his way to the bathroom.

“Mhmmm okay shoot then.” Nishiki humms back calmly.

“How did I get back last night? Like I totally won’t be surprised if you have no idea how I did but…... I was just wondering because I don’t remember a lot of stuff that happened after…...” Hide tralls off nervously, feeling a bit shameful for getting blackout drunk last night. He normally doesn’t do that.

He knows he shouldn’t do that. It’s not healthy and for fuck sake, he’s on medication. Which pills and alcohol do not mix well.

“No it’s alright. I would kinda want to know what the hell I did a night before I got drunk and didn’t remember anything from it. No need to worry though. You called me pretty late but good for you I was writing a paper and drinking 2 redbulls at that time. So I came and picked your tiny ass up.”

“Wow really? Shit I’m so sorry dude that wasn’t my plan to do at all last night. I didn’t mean to - wait, wait did you just say I have a tiny ass?” Hide asked complete confused and thrown off by the statement. 

“Annnndddd you need to take a shower. I can still smell the sweat, alcohol, and young adolescence hormones sticking to you.” Nishiki says shoving him into the bathroom and shutting the door.

“But what about my ass!” Hide yells from the other side of the bathroom door.

“I can’t hear you!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hide please. You need to leave, as in now.” Kaneki sighs as he tries to pull Hide out the back door of helter skelter without hurting him.

“BUt I was havin so much f-un! Why do you have to do this?? YOur being an ass face. Mr. No name ass face.” Hide slurs his words as he stubbles a bit out the door.

“And another thing! Why do you look so familiar???” Hide says as he turns towards him. Cupping both of his cheeks and leaning forward to get a closer look at his features.

Hide’s warm brown eyes looked glazed as he tries to look him up and down. Kaneki could just smell the liquor coming off of his lips. Making him worry about how much Hide has drinken before he even stepped into helter skelter.

“Ahhhh! I figured it out!”

“Y-you have?” 

A ball of nerves clutch in the pit of his stomach as Hide takes a step back to place his hand on his chin with a smug look on his face.

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck! I shouldn’t of danced with him! Now his going to know who I am! Fuck I’m - _

“Your Kyo right?” Hide smiles knowingly.

_ What? Who?? The fuck? _

“Who?” Kankei ask him stupidly.

“Oh well you totally could look like him but like he’s probably a lot older than you. If he was still in his twenties and looked a little less meaner, you guys would probably be like twins!” 

“Wait who is he? I’m so confused right now…..”

“Waiitttt????? You haven’t heard of Dir En Grey? Ahhh it’s okay not everyone has good taste I guess.” Hide says shrugging his shoulders.

“No, no I’ve heard them before. I just didn’t know anyone's name in the band. I don’t listen to them so often but someone I know does.” He says thinking back to all the times he had to sit around with Uta in his studio picking bullets out of himself.

“Anyway we need to get you back to wherever you live. It’s not safe for you to stay here any longer then you already have been.” Kaneki tells Hide, but still the drunken boy just pouts and sits in the middle of the ground.

_ Is he a fucking child???? _

“Hide can you just get up please. I’m really trying to help you here.” He says to the other one but that only prones Hide to lay down on the cold ground.

_ My fucking god what I have I gotten myself into . _

“Fine. But you can call him, I don’t what to hear his voice right now......He’s gunna be disappointment in me, so I’ll rather be prepared for that for later.” Hide says to him, laying on the ground and pulling out a phone from his pocket. Waving it in the air above him so Kaneki could come and grab it.

Kaneki just sighs but still takes the phone anyway.

“And who am I looking for?” He ask Hide opening up his phone and noticing the guy doesn’t even have a passcode in it.

_ Must be confident that no one will look through his stuff. Or just dumb enough to think that at least. _

“His name is Nishiki…… Nishio Nishiki. He’s the only ‘N’ I have in my phone..... Not like I have many people in my contracts anyway hahahah.” Hide laughs a little bitterly.

Kaneki just scrolls through the phone and no doubt about it. The name Nishio Nishiki lights up on the small screen.

_ That’s not good.  _

_ This guy lives with ‘him’? I guess after I left Nishiki barely breathing he went back to his normal life. Well what could be ‘normal’ for him at least. _

He taps the name and hits the call button. It starts ringing.

“ _ So you think it’s a good thing to call me at …. 1 in the morning? Think again Nagachika. I hope you better have a -” _

“Hello Nishiki…” He talks back into the phone, there’s a slight pause on the other end but he can still hear Nishiki breathing. 

“ _ Why do you have this phone? _ ” Nishiki speaks back into the speaker, his anger is already lacing with his voice. Like it always does when he’s pissed off.

“Well I have someone here who is probably in need for a ride back to your dorm, or where ever he lives for that fact. The name Hideyoshi ring a bell?”

“ _ Yeah it does, but why the hell is he with you? What kind of shit did -” _

“I found him at helter skelter by himself. He’s a little out of it right now Nishiki. He’s been drinking quite a bit I would say.” He says taking a look over at the boy laying sprawled out over the concrete floor, mumbling to himself quietly.

“So I think it would be best for you to come get him as soon as you can. You know how dangerous this place can be for his ‘type’.” He says the words into the phone and to even him it gives him a bad feeling in his chest.

There’s another long pause on the other line of the phone. As if Nishiki think’s that he could and somehow be lying about this situation. Or maybe he thinks that Kaneki would try to fight him again? If that’s the case, then Nishiki wouldn’t back down from a challenge like that.

“ _ Fine I’m coming. Just….. Just give me like 40 minutes to get there.  And keep the kid company.”  _ Nishiki says through the phone.

“I’ll be here with him then.” He says.

Nishiki hangs up the phone first. Not leaving anything else for them both to say to each other.

_ It’s probably best that way. _

Kaneki shut the main screen of the phone off and slides it in his pocket. Finding no reason to just stand around for 40 minutes, he takes a seat down next to Hide on the ground.

“Good news for you. Your friend is coming to get you, so you can go home and sober up a bit. Maybe lay in a nice bed that’s not a solid mass of broken stones and mixed water.” He says out loud hoping that the drunken fool is still awake to hear him talk.

“Ahhhhhh that’s so n-ice of him to do. I feel bad about it.” Hide says in a happy sort of way that doesn’t match up to his words.

Hide saying that kinda takes Kaneki off guard.

“What do you mean it makes you feel bad? He’s your friend right?”

“Yeah I guess you could say that……..  But it could just mean he’s just being a good person in a sense. Not everyone who does something good for you means they actually like you.” Hide sighs wearily.

“That’s a pretty big thing to say for someone who’s drunk.” He says trying to be light in the heaving atmosphere that he senses coming on.

“Nahh it’s the truth. People normally want something in return for being nice to you. You know like money, getting famous, making honor for a family name, passion in the bedroom, revenge on someone or you, to forget about the loneliness someone feels in their life. The list goes on and on. It’s truly unending.”

Kaneki just feels his words. Not saying anything back to him, not saying anything comforting to him. Because he knows too well that his right. Right about every fucking word he just said.

“And it kinda hurts to know that. To know everyone wants something from you if it’s consciously or subconsciously.” He breathes out. “But the thing is. I’m not any better because I’m the same. We’re all the same no matter what in that way.” He laughs cruelty, pushing out the tainted air that fills his lungs. As if it’s too much for him to bare.

“Our own bodies and minds are the enemies that we never think about anymore. Too busy with thinking about going to school and getting a good grads, a career, making a happy family, hanging out with friends, scared of thieves that might trick us, worried about kidnappers in the night who might get us, murders that kill for a better way to look at their boring lives.”

“But no one thinks about their own mind as the one that will stab you in the back. Until ………. until it’s too late.”

Hide goes quiet on the ground and Kaneki is left with too many questions that he knows that he’ll not ask. But the one that keeps circling it’s way back into the back of his mind is.

_ What has Hideyoshi Nagachika been through? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey! How did you guys like this chapter?? Tell me in the comments because I always like to seeing you guys give feed back.
> 
> And like the tags say this shit is gunna be slow and sad, just hope you guys like the ride.


	8. Get out of the comfort zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide goes to therapy and tells his feels to Mrs. Tomoe
> 
> A few people text him as well.
> 
> And with everything there will be a song for more towards the ending that I think was a good song for Hide's feelings

[The song I was talking about](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r2jKO40Tk8)

 

_Don’t fucking text him. Just don’t. Don’t do it. Just don’t send the text, that’s all you have to do. Is just not send the goddamn text…._

* **MESSAGE SENT** *

_Well fuck me._

_I just don’t listen to my reasoning well enough these days._

“Wow who are you texting? Wait, wait, wait....Better question yet, who would you be texting on your other phone other than me or Ayato?” Touka says as she takes a seat at the table with him.

“No one.” he says quietly putting the phone face down. Unfortunately he knows that answer won’t satisfy her curiosity, she knows all too well that he barely uses his ‘day’ phone how you would say it? Openly.

That’s probably the word.

“Mhmmm okay if you say so. But I’m just wondering if it’s that guy I saw you dancing with at helter skelter a few nights ago. Actually let me rephrase that. ‘I saw you grinding’ with at helter skelter a few nights ago’.” Tokua says sipping at her coffee.

Kaneki almost choking on his own cup, tries to remain calm in this trying time that is only 6 in the morning.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So tell me what’s been happening this past week Hide?” Mrs. Tomoe ask him as he tries to get comfortable in the room with her.

“I ……. I think I did something I shouldn’t have done……..Wow that sounded a lot more less weird in my head, okay wait a second. I did nothing ‘illegal’ or to that extent.”

“Okay, then what did you do? It’s alright if you don’t want to speak about it now but it would be nice start of how things are.” She smiles kindly at him.

_“S͢h̷e̷ ̛j̢ust ̵w̨an͠ts̕ ̧t҉o͞ g̕e̵t͢ ̷i͝nto yo͠ur͏ ͘h̕ead͟ ̨Hide.”_

_“Don'̵t̨ you̧ ͟dar̨e f̶ucki͏n ̸t͞e̢l̡l͠ ͘he̕r͞.”_

_“T̴hi̡nk͢ ͏ơf th̸e j̢udg̴e̛men̡t that͟ ͠wil͏l com̴e ̶f͏ro̸m̡ ͘this!”_

Hide hears them speak to him. The feeling of doubt grips him tightly as he really should tell her about what happened those nights ago in the club. But he should, shouldn’t he? That’s the whole fucking point of therapy right? To talk about things that make you feel a certain ways and try to fix them healthy instead of messing things up even more.

_God, why is talking about this stuff so damn difficult for me? Logically I’m not in any danger but why………. Why do I feel like this is something I just shouldn’t bring up?_

Him and Mrs. Tomoe sit in silence as the minutes slip by but finally Hide’s lips part.

“Well I…. I went out for a walk, just to get some fresh air. But somehow I ended up pretty far from the dorms. And I bumped into someone eh.. or kinda more as they bumped into me but you know I just think I shouldn’t of just stopped in the middle of a sidewalk. Kind of a dick move on myself but whatever it happened, can’t get it go now.” He tries to chuckle but it just ends up sounding unbelievable fake.

 _Well it was a fake laugh so no surprise that it sounded fake too._ He thought to himself.

“Well I was apologizing to this person and I was so ready just to run back to my dorm and try and sleep, even though I know I probably wouldn’t have slept at all. But anyway I guess this person was the owner and I think she was already a bit buzzed or maybe that was really her personality to be so friendly to a stranger? So she somehow took pity on me and invited me in the club.”

“Then we started to drink and yes I know, I know. That I’m not supposed to be drinking at all with my medication but I was really stressed and wanted to be fun to be with. Even if that means the only way I can be fun to be with is not sober.”

He was talking very rapidly but it seemed like Mrs. Tomoe was keeping up by still writing down all that he said.

“So we drank and things we going somewhat well. Like really well, I wasn’t doing a lot of talking but she sure was. Which I kinda liked about her the best? She just talked and I gave feedback like another normal person around.” He said confused yet confietnaly. As if he was even surprised with how well it went.

“Then this is the weirdest thing. She asked me to dance with her! And I did! Like I don’t know what the hell came over me in the moment but it sure felt nice.”

“And then I don’t remember clearly but she kinda just left me there. I have no idea where she went and I don’t recall if I met back up with her later the night but anyway….. I started to dance with someone else..” He said trailing off quietly.

Mrs. Tomoe notices the sudden quietness from Hide.

“What happened with that? Was he a good dancer?” She asked him charmingly. He doesn’t respond right away but a small smile does appear on his face from her comment.

“Uhh he was a good dancer I guess…..”

_Okay time is not to be a fucking liar here._

“Okay he was a really, really good dancer. And this song came on and things felt so ….. So just ‘right’.” He breathes out heavily.

“Do you mean you felt that things were finally going ‘right’ as in after all that’s happened in the past few months?” She ask.

“Yeah, yeah it did.” He says taking a sweated hand and running it through his hair shakily.

“But I’m not saying that others things haven’t been good too. I got back into school, got my grades back up from all the missed work, got in a new dorm. I just went back to my normal schedule like things never changed. The only thing is….. none of it feels ‘right’ anymore.”

_“W҉a͜s̸ anyth͢in̕g r̕i̶g͜h͠t͡ in t̕h̨e fi̸rs͝t p̡la͡c̴e ͜H͠id̴e?”_

_Don’t bring up things from the past. Please, please not now guys._

_Please… Just not now._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hide walks out of the therapist office building, reaching for his phone in his coat pocket. Turning it back on and waiting for a few seconds to past by so incase anyone has left a message or a missed phone call. A vibration rings through his hand, looking down to his phone he actually sees that someone did in fact text him.

_“T̶hat'̴s a͜ surp̶ri͝sing si͠te̷ to ̴see.”_

“Yeah it is.” He reposes back to them softly, he forgot to open up his phone today. Well maybe not more forget but more so that he just needed a break from anything that might pop up onto his phone. He already told his mum that it would be turned off so maybe it’s just her wondering if it’s back on or not?

Hide opens up the text message.

 **Kaneki:** Hey Hide! I was wondering how you were doing with the project? Don’t worry to much about it still. We have time to work out the small things later, really. Also was just thinking about how you’re doing?

_“H͏e ̡k͞now̨s̨.”_

_He doesn’t know._

_“H̶e̡ does҉ ̶kn̶o͝w̡ ̶H͏ide̡.͢ D̨on͜'t go n҉e̡ar̨ ḩim a̢ny͢m̕o҉r͏e, ͞h͜e̕ kn҉o̢w͞s s̵o ̧he's͏ go̡i̧ng̷ ͘to͞ be ̷l̨i̧ke eve̶ŗyon͡e els͏e. ̸T̨r͞e͠a҉t͞ing ̡you j̷u̕st l̴ike th̵e ot͘hers do.͘”_

_How could he even know? We’ve only meet like …. 3 times in this month. How would even know? He couldn’t…._

_He can’t!_

Hide stares at the screen that’s still lit up. Thoughts going through his head on how he should reply to Kaneki ‘normally’. How to act ‘normal’ for this guy that might or might not know about his mental illness already.

_Maybe he does know? And he’s testing me to see what I’ll say in the message? Of course he would! Fuck, fuck why would he do this to me? What did I do to him? Was it because I picked that word for the art project? That I didn’t put so much effort into it?_

“Wait!” He hisses between his teeth.

Hide breathes in on a 7 count and exhales on a 10 count. Pushing his lungs to a almost painful way to move his mind back. To move it back into reality. Real reality. Not the startup delusions of his mind that would never end in a good way if he couldn’t stop them now.

He repeats the breathing techniques about 3 more times. Feelings his ribcage move with every movement he takes. Not even realizing that he clamped his eyes tightly shut.

Finally, he finds himself slowly re-organizing his thoughts. Opening his eyes, he looks back at the screen. Seeing the message, re-reading it over and over again. A sudden red hot shame runs over himself.

 _What the fuck is actually wrong with me?_ He thinks to himself, gripping the phone so hard in his hand that it shakes with anger.

* **DING** *

“Huh?”

Another text message pops up on his phone screen but the only thing that is different with this one is that it has been sent now. And it’s a number Hide doesn’t remember seeing before and with that, it’s already putting him on edge.

 **Unknown number:** Hey hey sweetheart! It’s Itoti! ヾ(´▽｀;)ゝWas wondering if you wanna come back to the bar? It’s not that busy yet but it sure will be soon enough! I bet that white flower will be here too (˵¯͒〰¯͒˵)

Hide is so confused for a second that nothing processes in his brain. But slowly and surely it connects together and he remembers.

Everything.

“ _D͠o̸n'̷t̶ ͝do͡ it.”_

_“Ņo!͟ N̶O͝! ̶He͝ shoul̴d ̛d͢o҉ ͏it̡!”_

_“Y͜e̵ah͡ ̛and͠ ҉b̢e͡c͘ome͘ a̛ ̧alco͟holic a̵s͝ ̕we̶l̢l ̨m̨hm͜m?̕ I do̸n͝'t thi̵nk̸ ͠so.̷”_

_“HEY̛! ҉If ͝h͏e ͘wa͠n̨ts͠ t̕o͡ ̢be ͏a a͢lc̷oh͜olic͢ ̨th͝e̸n͠ he ͡c̨a̧n̷ b̴e.͞ ͜It'̡s ̶his̨ ͘l͝i̛f̸e͘, he ̶c͢an͞ do w̵h̶at h͏e wa̢n͝t̢s.”_

They go back and forth between all of them. Chatting away into his ear as if it’s their lives and not his on the line.

_Fuck this!_

**Hide:** Hey Itori. I’ll coming over now but it’ll be 38 minutes probably before I get there.

He types out on the phone and his thumb hovers over the ‘send’ button. He starts to rethink the situation, the doubt, the regret, the judgement, the disappointment, that might come with the continuation of the night if he sends it. If he sends this message it might change a lot of things in the near future.

_Fuck it._

* **SENT** *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reallllllllllllll sorry about the long wait guys ＜(。_。)＞ This week has been kinda bad for me with my mental state so I've had not much time or feeling to write but I still hope you guys kinda like this chapter?


	9. I'm your bleeding heart that can't seem to give up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide goes back to the bar and has a little chat with the gossip hungry Itori.
> 
>  
> 
> Towards the end of the chapter there will be a song and I'll but a link in the begging of the chapter if you want to hear it.

[This is the song Kaneki walks in on](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONzAvoQMf5Q)

 

“Why do you look so happy Itori? Find something new to play with?” Uta says to her as he picks underneath his fingernails. Most likely it being blood with the aroma that clings to him.

“Ahh you could say that~.” She says grinning at the message she’s been sent on her cell phone.  “Oh! Is ‘he’ working here tonight? It’s a Friday anyway right? So he must be.” She says to Uta while pouring another tall glass of what everyone might think is to be wine.

“Yeah, he’s working tonight. Friday is always his ‘scope out’ day. Aren’t you supposed to know this by the way??? You're the one paying him to do it in the first place.” He says to her while reaching for a wine glass for himself.

“Ahhh why do you have to say it like that? Making it sound like I forget things all the time.” She pouts playfully. “But you know what? I sure do like to help tragies come into light.” She says lightly sipping on her wine glass, taking it and rotating the glass slowly in entertainment.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Fuck I should message him too if I’m already in the ‘fuck it’ mood. I could change my mind and not reply to him until I actually see him Wednesday.  _

_ And then it would be just so god damn awkward so best just text him now. _

**Hide:** Oh hey! Sorry haven’t replied in a while, was busy with some stuff. Anyway the project is going good? Can’t say much because I think we need to get together again to work out the bigger parts and colors we should use.

**Hide:** And been a little tired. One of the reasons I didn’t reply (so sorry!). 

He hits sends but less than 30 seconds later he regrets it.

_ “Yo͝u ͘şo̵u͡nd͞e͜d ̡a b͢i̡t̴ path̡et̶ic. A̶ctuall͏y ̧y҉o҉u sounde̷d very ̷pat҉h̴e͝t͟iç in ͜t҉he ͡me̕s͜sage҉ H͟ide.͜ H͜ow ̕c̵ou͏l͡d͟ ̕yoų ̡sen̕t͡ ͠that̷??̵” _

“ _ W͜h҉y d͟i̛d yo͡ư hav͝e ̶t̶o̢ ͝bothe͘r ͝the ̧p̧o͟or͘ ͢k̸id̴? ̷He'̶s ̵go͢t ͠he'̸s own ͠l͝ife ͜t͏o͡ de̸al wi̸th̷.̶.” _

_ I just thought I owned him a repose guys….. Well not like ‘own’ him. I think he’s a good guy I just don’t want him to worry about me when he probably has people to worry about other than me. _

_ I don’t deserve him using that worry on me….. _

“Fuck I need to stop it! Think better thoughts Hide! Come on!” He says to himself, slapping his cheeks slightly to put his mind back in the game.

“Alright!” He says putting his hands down to his side, then marching off towards the direction of helter skelter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki enters the club scene wearing his normal attire. Black pants, black compression turtleneck, black jacket, and 8 specialized knives holstered to him. Two sets of them strapped to his ribcage, another two sets on his hips, and one on each ankle in case he needs a quick something if he can’t use his kagune in time.

_ Never again will things get out of hand in this fuckin bar.  _ He thought to himself.

It seems fairly ‘normal’ for a Friday night. People drinking alcoholic drinks or for some, Itori’s special wine that only a few really know about.

But he’s gotta give the woman credit for being so bold. Owning a bar for a ghoul is already hard enough but then adding in the gangs of  ghouls and humans that sell for her. Is just almost suicidal in this case.

_ It’s like she wants to almost get caught in the act. Getting the thrill off of it is something I know she likes. Like a teenager sneaking in a lover while her parents are in the other room next to hers. _

_ It’s not good to work for someone like that but I need the money and information I get here. _

He sees Itori from across the bar, giving her a nod to signal to her that he’ll start ‘working’ soon. She only grins back at him while bring a glass to her dark lips.

He’s never liked when she does that.

It never means anything good will come from it.

But he needs to focus on the task at hand tonight. He pulls out a pair of black leather gloves and puts them on. Working on the roof during the colder weather isn’t always his favorite but at least he complain much. At least there’s no snow yet to slow him down.

Walking towards the back door smoothly while people bump and move past him, but he doesn’t care about them now. He has more things to worry about drunken fools who talk about life issues and who have extremely sad warm eyes.

He has to protect the bar tonight from whoever who tries to meddle in Itori’s affairs.

And he’s the one who has to kill them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hello sweetie!” Itori calls out to him as he makes his way through the bodies of people.

_ “H̴̖̱̼̳͈i̵͕̪̲̭̪̬̩d̨̗̳e̦͈̖̹͉ ̨͇͔̦d͕̘o̟ ̴̪͍͉̯̮̝ͅy̹o̷̦͈̭u̶̟ ̠̼̺̼̖̼͖͠h̘̻̮ͅa̧͔̼͙̠̯̱v̝̣̳̠̞e͢ ̙̺͇̦̣̪̼a̪̲n̵͔̪̣ỵ̥̣̹̫ͅͅ ͓͝ḭ̡̦͓͓͇d̥̫͖͔̭͖͢ͅe̶͓̞͎a̘͔̭ͅ ̬̖̺͖̤̣̼h̪̫͍͕̞̟͓o̗͇̼w҉̗̭͈̣ ̩̻͔̼m͙a̵n̩͞y҉̥̗̳̩̳͙ ̧p̢̰̳̫e̮̬̖͇͙͚o͍̠̣̥̟͟p̪͇̯͉̹̞͘l҉̥̮̠̟̤̝͓e̴̳͚͕̟ͅ ҉̟̙h̜̤̞̬̮̟a̦̖̞͉̲̼̲͟v̩̬e̮ ҉̱͎̤g̰͙̱͉͘e̙̗͖͎̲̘r͇̱m͞s̬?̟̫̣͔̱?͘?͕̹͈̹͚͇̺ ̤̯̤̼͕̰ͅI̳̤̥n̸̹ ̻̕t͎͔̱h̙̗͈͇͖ȩ̗̜̣ ͏͉̯̳̪͓̜h̢̹̤̣̝̼u̷̫͎͙̪̟͓̤m̘̤a̲̲͚n̖̝̙̕ͅ ̯̥̩͙b̖̭͈͜o͝d̜̫̝̝͇͎y̘͇ ̮̱̦͉̱ͅt͉̥̲͉̞̱͈h̸͙͔̼e͇r̶̼e͇̖̘̗͎͎̜'̺̩̝̩ͅs̛͙ ̳m̶̮̭̘̳̬o̶r͞e̹͚̙̳ ̴͓̲̮̻̲̼͔g̣e͏̹̟͖r͓̰̟̝͜m̻͕͎͡s̞̹̲̜͉̳ ͖̯t̖̗̙̠͕h̠̖̝͉͖̻̥e̵͇̳͚͖n̻̜ ̜͕n̵̘o͈͜r̬m̢̹̯a̙̣̘̳̦͍l͔͙̼̙̪̪ ̨̹̭͚̼͓h͈̦̩̞͉̞u͕̜̫̜̱͓m̴͕̗͇͈a̧̱͉̦̞̗͉n͔̺͕ ͚̥̖̣̬͠ͅc̫͈͍͇̗͜e̠͉͖̘̺ͅͅl̲͖̼̦̘̠l͇͎̺͍ͅs̫͡” _

_ “L͇͔̺̼e̸͍̦͚̠͔a̹̖̻v̭̜̰̲͓̫̰e̸̩̭͈͍͇̟ ̡͇̥̩n̛o̗w̮̜̘͚.̛̜̯̥̭̰̞͎ ͏͇̻̻̼Y̹̬̹̬̞ͅo̩u̼̺̩ ̗̲̰̖n҉̤̜̥e̯̕e̻̘̮̖d̜̰̲ ͓͙̦̞t̹o̭̲͍̣̺͉ ̴̹͇̥̣̱l͝e̱͞a̵̠v̷̤̤͚̥e͉̯̦̦͉̗ n͉̞̰͇̬̣͢o̡̜̘̯͔͔̩w̮̮ ͇͉̹͇b̸̗̻̪̟͇̠̝e̠̝̗̫͎̣͘f̰or̳̙̙̥̝̲e̡͉̜̺̝̤ ͈t̸̟̳̙̣̗̗̦h̨̻in͇̩̳͇̦g̳̦s̖͖̫͉͖͢ ͓̥̭͇ģ̻̯͎o̢̗̥ ͕̠͚b̜͍̙͍̭̪a̧̻̺̣̞̭d̡̼̖!̹͎̙͙̩ ͕̹͘L̺̬̫̞e͖͖̰̬̼a̷͉̗̦̩̘̬ͅv͔̼̭̗͕̰͙e̪͔̺͡.̦̪͙͈̠͍̹ ̲̻͉͈͓L̜̗͙͕̠̩̟͡e̹̻͡a͈͉v̠̰̳̞͎̜e̱̹̦.͢ ̟͓͞ͅL͙e̙̝͚͚̩a̘͎͙̫̮vę̤̰̲͈.̻̞̬̗͇͉ ̫͠L͚̹̝̖̜ͅe̡͚͓a̫̦͔̝͙̬v̰̹̞e͏̮.̩̳ ̡̦͖̳L͈̞͕͜e̜̙̺a̢̫ͅv̫̜e̗̼.̹̘͇̞̝ ͝L̘̜͘e͏̠̙͖a̻v̨̲̘̠͓̠ͅe̥̭͟.͈̬͟ ̧̹̩͍L҉̖͓͕̲̭e̬̭̩̘͇a̺̗̮̱̭͙v̴e̲̜̝̯ ̸̟̟̼̺͈F̞̺͡ṳc͙̥k̳͚̰̕i̜n͓̭͓͓̤̬͚͜g̜̺̱̞ ̥͓͎͙̫l͎͖̙̠͡e̞̝̗͎̞̳̕a̶vḛ ͢n̜͈̣̣̤ͅo͍͎̫͍w͖̞̟̪̯̗͔͡ ҉̰̥̜͖H̛̻̱ḭ̩̯͉̟d̢͕̝e.̪̖̝” _

 

Walking closer to Itori, Hide takes a big breath in and out before sitting his ass down on the stole.

_ Relax. Their just trying to put you on edge right now. I can definitely enjoy tonight. I can do that right? Just sit down with Itori, have a couple of drinks, talk a little…… well okay let’s be real maybe just listen to her more like it. I can do that. Easy. Simple.  _

_ Just act like a perfectly normal person who doesn’t hear people constantly talking to me. _

_ I’m in control. I can do this. _

“Hey Itori. How are you?” He ask turning to her in his seat, feeling yet again out of his ‘normal’ surroundings by being here.

_ “H̲͞e̪̙͖̼̖̟̟͜'̙͙̯͟s̫͝ͅ ͕̫͎͝n̘̠͖̹̫o̩͇̖̼̻ͅt͈̖̤̞͜ ̹̹͕̦̱̥̝g̨̘͕̣̮̞̮o̬͚̟̹͠i͠n̪̠͉̲̩g̹ ҉̭͇̬̤̜̻̫t͡o̶̤̯̯̠͉͖͎ ͈̭l̰̹̪i̥̪̝̫̦͇͓͟st̼̣͍e̲̞̤͙̥n̼̳̻ ͉̜̗͞t̩͍͓͙̮̯o̵ ̷͖̯̣̱u͉̻̰̭̙s͎͈̤̭͙̯!̱̟͔͈̜͍̙” _

_ “H͔i͈̩̫ͅd̤̗̹͇͈e̼ ̗̩̺y͚͝ơ̳u͉͘ ̢̙h͙͚͖a̸̞v̩͎͈̤͠e͙͓̠̥̪̹͠ ̙̟̞̙͝t̟͞o̰͚͍͎̮̯͕ ̣͞l̸i̶̹͙̬̦s̲̜̠͔͕̩͢t͍͓̹͙e̕n̠̥͔ ̕t̛͇̼̝̣̟͍͔o̵͖͎̟̜̲ ̞͕̥̳̝ụ̯̠̤̲͓ͅs͖͕͓̘͝ ̥̗̞͚m̧̦̮a̢̬̜̥̖̱ṉ̶̱̠͖̣̱!̭̘͎͚̤ ͎̞͚̹Ṭ̩͉̰̰ͅhi͢s̼̤̰̣̼̠̫ ͙̝i̫̖̬̼͖̭̹s̪͚͚̬̦͉̠n̦'̱͔̼t̷͉͈̠̭̝ ̥̘̯̣͇̥a͖ ̨̻̱͖͚g̢r̹̦̘̞͍ͅe̦̥̬̙͓̰ḁ̶̩̰̪t̴̫ ̱̖i̹͍̠͡de̜͇̳̭̠̫ͅa͓̻͙!͕̩” _

_ “Y͈̥̰̭̭̳̫o͔͙̠͓͇̖̮͝u̱͎̼̹̟ͅ ͓͉d̴͎̗̦̰͔͚̟o̪͔ṉ̣͚̼͝ͅ'̱̭̟̳̠t̲̝ ̵͓̝̳̪̠ͅb̖̱̱̻̼̣̘͠ḛ̖̫ͅlo͚̦͍̭̗͕͈͟n҉g̖̠ ̞̩͚̖i̷͇̜̼̘͔̙͇n̛̳̗͓̗ ̟t̼̰̤͞h̖͠i̫̼̮̻̳̩̝s͔̣͖͍̹̯͜ ̫̭͚̼͔̪p̣͍̖͚̗̟̫͜l̶̜̤̟̦͖a̩̮͈c̛͖̻͍̱̲̟e̤̣̯̕.̷̬̫͇̭͓̖ ̸I̡̜̗̱͖̳͇̼f͕̩̥̰͚̺ ͜w͕̠̹̹͙̟e̘̰̬̼'͇͟r̮̞̞͚͟e͕̟̝̗̹ ̱̦͇͈̭̞b̨͈̣͇̦e̬ị̞͎͔̜͎͔n̙̺̦̜̤͔g ̯r̫̰e̫̝̲̙̻̖a̵̝͖̙l̗̦̫̼̳̯̮ ̘h҉ḙ͓r̜ḙ̺,̲̯̹̠̬ ̣͕̭ỵ͖̣͙͢o̩͍͓̩u̡̻̖̻̠ͅ ̣͔̪͟r̻͖̤͓ea҉̤͍̱͚̳ͅl͉͈͔͓͉͍̺͞l̻͚̞y̷͖̙̻͚̮̩̬ ̹̘̰͎͢d͕̖͕̯o̠̖͓͔̺͍n̖͍̤̟̬̫'̪̬͠t ̭̯̠̩̤ͅb̩͉ẹ̙̜͇͍l̲̟̟o̞̦n̜͔̘͢g͉̦̺̹̥̘͞ͅ ̜̭͇͚̞̬͞ͅa̟͚̩̼͔͘n͜y͔̹̣w͙̱̲͓̺̥h̭̫̼͖e̲̱̥r̞͎e̮̬̭,̳̹̼̼̣͓͟ͅ n͇o̭w̟̤̻̖̦̠̙h͙̮͚̺̜͎e̮̮̲̰̠͍r̠̪̫ḙ̪̼͕.̼͉̖̻̲͍ ͏̣̯̟̲̼̗̬Y̢̥̹o̶͔̺̞̫u̞͍̝̬ ҉j̣u͔͇͈̮̱͙st̛̖̜͚͖̙̗ ̶̗̜͙̬̖cr̛͖e̩ȩp͇̩̗̦ ̷͈̥̜ȩv̤͔̱̺ͅe̩̯̪͎͜r̢y̗͔̳͠o͈͙̰̘n͡e ̲̣͓͇o̵̜͚̻u̯̦̦ṱ̷͇͖̦̤̜.̶̥͎̜̰̫̻̲ ̛͈͓̥Ị̜͈͉͠t͠o҉̦̹͉͈̟ͅr͝i̴̳̻͙̤̤ ̫ͅt̵̰̗͈h̥̥̹ͅi͏͈̟̟̭̙̙̯s ̸̬̭͔̘̼̤'g̡̱̬̹͇̮͔͚i̸̬̹̯̳̹͚r̩l̨͎̻̱'̜̗̭͝ ̹͚͖̖̞̩p̶r̵o̴b̡̮͕a̧̩̦b҉̪̬l͈ͅy̥̮ ͇̫̱͚̣͠f̮̲̮̱̖̠̙e̴͇̝͚̜ḷ̣̩͔t̡̰̹̥͔͉͍͈ ̧̤̻͔b̙̤̬͇̳̖a̠̙̳͚̟d ̩͎͇a̬̭bo͇̲̠̝͡u͈̙ͅt̟̻̪͓̫ ̶s̟̪̘̰̳̯e͓̙͓͈̱̜e͙̼̫i̤͔̻̥͎ͅn͝g̭͎͉̱͎̣͘ͅ ̸͓̯̗͉̲͎y͉̭͝o̭͚̖͚u͚̞̮̬̖ ̹̱̖͈a̻̤̳̹̟͙̮l̪̗̹̜͞l͍̺͙ ̩͇̜̺̫̱͝a̵͈̖̹l̵̯o͖̱̖͜ne̺ ͓͍͍̻̺ͅt͈ḫ͡a̺̪t̞͈͖͠ ̼͕͍̘͖͘n̷̦i̖̞̤̘̤g̙͚̝h̖̗t̘͕.̶̤̲͔͚̟̗ ͓̻̩̰̲̥S̭͔̳h͎͟e̮̤͙̻̻͍̺'̹̤̭̦͙̼ͅs͍ͅ ̠o̶̼̞̲ͅn̵̥͙̤̜l̡͓̫̙̤y̟ ̘̲̠̦b̗̞͢e͉̠i̯̬̯ṋg̲͉̣ ͓n͎͖̮i͈̳̫c̫͚̮e̖̬̹̱̼͡ ̟͕̘̳t͍̮̠̬̻͇o͏͖̜̜͚̲ ̣y̱̜̮̝͔͓o̹͎͡u̻͕̰̗͙̫ ͕̩͓̪̞̫̬b̜̱̼͢e̙̤̞̘̠̙͓͡c͍̘̮̝̤̺̹͜a͈u̢s̘e̢̱̻̻͇ ̦͔̮̟̖͖̬͝y͈̼̗̜o̵̝̰̻̦͈u̞͕̹̭r̟͘ ͍̺̮p̴̘̯a͓͝t̫͔̗̯ḫe͙͍̥̪ͅt̬̳̘̟͖̰͞i͕͇̭͖̝͜c͎͉̤͓̣͈̜ ̨͇a̧nd̴ ̤̟̳̥͈p̴͈̮ͅe̥̥͕o̲̠̯̹ͅp̦̮̟̪̱l̝̦͈e̹͙̖̰̖͜ ͙͕̺͢f̡e͎͓̳͉e̪͓̻l̢̙̭ ̼͓̳̖p̨̞i͉̜̠̮͝t̞̼̪̼y̠ ͈̠̱̼̖̜a͓̥ͅbơ͓̯̫u̯̼̼̫͇ͅt̴͔̲̝ͅ ̼̮̹th̪͍̠̺̠̥ͅa͓̠t̡̳͖͎͈ͅ” _

 

Their words make him feel like walking away right now from this situation, to never fuckin come back into this bar. Hell even any bar in his bleak future but…. But he just wants to have fun once in a while. He deserves that….. Well at least that’s what he’s mum always tells him. 

_ God I need a drink. _

“Ahhh I’m just sooo board Hide! Drink with me~” She whines aloud dramatically, but fastly pulling herself together and winks at him. 

That sudden wink made him flush with a blush he really hopes that she can’t see but it seem like she can see it and it only makes her smile brightly and starts to laugh lively. 

“Haha what? Never had a pretty girl wink at you mhmm?” She ask him, leaning into his space.

_ “ _ **_G͍̖͟er̲̜̹̹̳m̞s̮̱̮͘.̤̻ G̺̫̙̹̭͎er̲m͇͉̤͇̬̹͢s̩͇̳̜̙͜.̥͔̙͉͓̩ ̩͕̞̺̦̘G̵̜e̢͙̫rm̖̜̱͍̭͚̥͘s̰͝. ̮̥̱͓G͡e̢r̪̹͎̘̜m̶̯̱̭̝͎͇s͉̲͔͍̮̲̙.̢̺͇̞̰ ̨̝̦͓G͖͉̝͟ḛ͟r̢͈͉͇̖m̱͎͙ș͍͈͎̪.͏̜̯̙ͅ ̺G̜͙̦̣e̟̦̣͔̫r̩̬̤m̡̳͉̤̬̻͈̮ş̦̪͔̥̯̟̰.̟ ͍̣̣̖̙͖͡G͕̫e͝r̲̮͙̫̰m͕͝s̲̪̮̤̙͓͈͞.̣̖̯̞͕̦ ̲̙̘̤̦̤͍͢G̡̥̤̪̖͖er͈͍̩m͔͍s.̰͖̦̗͕̬̖ ̷͙̻͎̯G̫̲̯̮̻̖̭e҉̜̤̹̘̫͔r̜͇̝ͅms̝͈̯.̪̬ ̟͜ͅG͎͍̲̬̠̯e̸̟̞̭̠̖̫͍r̫̰͕m̥̻̝̖̲̩͔s͎̥͖͉̗.̻̫̳̪̗ ̳̱͈̯͙̤͕G̶͉̝̮e̩̖̳̫̮͜ͅr̝̮͔̙̗m̢͉̪̲̭̹̜s̨͔̙̘̞̼.̲̞̝ ̭̖̩̦̼̬͙G̙̹̯̲̦̙͉e͚̼͚͟r̰̬̼̤̠ͅm̝̤̣͝s̡.̺̠̗̜̣̩̳ ͎̗̖̜̺͓G̷e͙r͕̥͎̰͎̳̜͟m̳̗̘̫͔s͈͇̜̼̳̗͎.̯̻͔̩̣͕ ̺̙̣̳ͅG͓̥̫ḛ̸͕̝̹̘r͜m̷̲͓͔̻s̞̕.̟̼͎̻̮̩ ̭͔̙Ge̶͇̞r̲̗̱̯̮̟ͅm̟̥s̫͟.̡͈̻̘̲͓ ̮̝̣G̹̘̠͖e҉̟͕̜rm̢͉͙͙s͔͖̦̘̦.̤̭͔͓ ̦̗͜G̣̩e̬̰̖̯ͅr̵̰͔̖ms̨. ͇̲G̷̺̩̜̻̻͕ͅe̪̤͉͈͍̥r̟͎̪͈m̛̭͓͙̹͍͈̥s̥̦̜̘̠.̷͇̹͓̺̜ ̴̻G̸̯̖̩͓ḛ̝͕̝̬͢r̨͈̬m̜̥̼͇͎͔̳s̢.͖̼̗͚̜͈ ̲͍G̶̯̠̰̝͍ḙ͚r̶̤͉̩͔͖̥m̜̫͓̻̬s̱̘̼̲̦̣̻͜.̸ G͎̤̬e̮r̬̺̣̺͚m̷̖̦̭̯̯s̡̱̼͔.̱͎̭̪͇ ̜̤̤̘ͅG̵̤̙͎̻̣̫̳e̲̠͔͙r̹̱̥m̱s͈͉͕.҉̻͍̳ ͎͚̜̹Ge̶̜̻̦rm͎̠̹̹͈s͚̪̻̜̲.̣͇̞͚̬ ̴G̴̣̘̰͙̟e̜͕̦̦̻r̴̟m͙͚͙̳̪̕s̲.̳͔̫̝͚_ ** _ ” _

 

_ Endure it, just endure it until you can get some alcohol in you. Things will pass, the feeling will pass. _

“I’ll drink with you. What are you having by the way?” He says shyly, pointing to the almost emptied wine glass that sits in front of her.

“Ah you’d probably wouldn’t like it but anyway I’ll ask the bartender for some more fireball shots~.” She moves the wine glass away from him and slides it to the bartender, giving the weird hand signal like last time.

“Your most likely right about that. I’ve tried wine before and it’s not my thing, a little too sour for my taste. Or maybe I’m just not fancy enough to truly understand the amazing taste is it ‘wine’.”

Itori giggles from his comment and he’s a little taken back by that. Of course not in a bad way but he’s never thought of himself as a ‘funny guy’. More like that guy people see around but just never talk to him because he’s wearing headphones and there are college rules that everyone knows but doesn’t say then aloud. And one of them are you do not to talk to someone who’s got headphones on. 

Hide thinks he’s more like that guy.

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘fancy’ but I do love a good strong taste most people don’t like~.”

_ I feel like that’s supposed to mean something more but I’m probably thinking to much into. _

_ “B͕̩ẹ̖͔c͚̬̼̻͔͜a̲͉͍͞ụ̠͙͇̭̲͞s̬̲̭͞e͈͎̠̻ ̣̥̭̘͎̖̝͠w͚̩e̙͟ ̗͉a͉͎̼̗͖̹̯l͡l̥̯̪̠ ͎̬̘ͅk̰n͓̲̙o̴͉̙w ̥̫͓͇̘͈y̩̲̗͚͙̙o͏͚u̡̙̼ ̼̤̗͓̣̲̕t̶h̳̹̟̞͎̤̝ḭ̪͙̙̮͔n̦͖k҉̦̲͎̜̤͓͎ w͚̖̘̬̞͢ay̠͍̱ ̵̘̮̣̼̗t͕̺̣͔̫̱o͏͉̰̗o̧̫̩̙ ̙͉̰̯̰̦mu̦͖̺͠ͅc̢̗̦̥̭̰̺͉h̥̝̖̖̦͜.̥̦̱̼̙̹͔” _

_ Time for shots! _

Itori passes him two shot glasses filled to the brim, he thanks her and they both hold up one glass each. Doing a little clink-clink together with both of their glasses and down the liquor.

Just like the first time drinking with Itori. The warm slight burn from the drink goes down smoothly.

It’s exactly what he needed.

“Soooo Hide. Find anyone who strikes a hot nerve with you here?” Itori says suddenly, making him almost choke midway through his second shot.

“W-what???”

_ “S͘h̼e̴̯̭̯'s̶͇̙̤ ͢a͕̗̬̜̦͘s̤̞̜̼͖̣k̳͔̖̱̜͍i͈̻̤̤n̬̤g̦̩̘̟̟ ̵̹͔̻i͓͎̰͕̼̖f̼͔̬͈̗̤ ̧̳̭̺͈ͅy̖͓ǫ̗͇̣͚u̱̜̫̜ f̺̙̞̗̙̝̬u̩̞͘c̢͙k̸͈͕̗̳͓͙ḛ͔̬̙̗d̥͍̘͉̬ ̳̟̟̦a̲̟̥n̨͎̼̩̗̝y̦̺ͅo̜̭̩̯̞̭ne̤ ̭̝h̪e͎̱̬̠̜̮̳r̰̥̱̪̲͈e̪̬͢ ͇̥͓̟̥̩ͅș̮͉̯̣̙͖t̮ṷ͚͎p͓͓̥̜i̜̟̥̻͈͇d͖̺̬͚̕.͇̥͍̳̹̹̕” _

“Well that one night we first met, I kinda left you on the dance floor to go to the restroom and soon returned to you having quite a good time with a certain cute boy.”

_ Oh my god! She fucking saw me??? Grinding on that guy!!!!! ITORI SAW A DRUNK ME GRINDING ON SOME POOR DUDE!!!?? _

_ Shit! Shit! Shit! Not even my damn mum knows about me being interested in guys! _

Itori must of known that Hide was somewhat not thrilled with her seeing him with another guy. So she softly nudges him in the shoulder with hers.

“Hey, hey, hey Hide. No need to be panicked silly, it’s the 21 century anyway. People have been attracted to all types of other people for like the beginning of the whole world. So no need to feel like this isn’t a safe place for you do be yourself.” She say with a kind smile formed on her lips.

_ “S̼̼͘h̳̥̲̳ę̝̰͔̼̺̲ͅ'̧s͖ ̮̘̙g̩o̷i͍͇̜͓̦̹̞n̹͇̼g̗̘̰̘̠ͅ ̴̯̣̺̗t̺̼o̢̝̻͕͖͎͈ ͇̠͕̳o͔̠u̴͔̮̟̱͉̹ț ͚̖͙͔̖̼͝y̙̖̦̤̘̞o̝̠͇̦͔ṷ̲͈͙̜̳̙!̲̪̰̲ ̵̩͍̹̼S̯̠h̞̬͡e͍̩̞̹̺͔'͜s̼͖ ̴͉̞̦a ̗f̠̯͓͙̮̯̟ṳ͚͇c̞̝̩̰k̨̤͈̘̠͎̖̺i҉̭̻͔̺n͔̬͢g͇͕̦̺̠̟ l̳̙̞̭̝̠̮i͎̦̲͇̜̺a͉͓͈̲ͅr͏ ̝̭H̗̗̺̜͚i͉̙̗̙̪d̼̺̪e̵̠̰̼̥̩͙!҉ ̟̬̣̤̱̠Ḙv̞̯̱̗̪̱͘e̞͢r҉̖̻͈̞̩ͅy̨̦̮̖̜on̮̪̟̯̻̺̬e͉̹̻ ̮͈i̢̞͔̼s̰ ͔̬a͉̪̭͍͕̘ ̳̖lį͍̱̙̣͍̼a͖͈̣͇̺͔r̴̖͔̘͓̹!” _

_ Why would she lie about something like this? And try to comfort me after? Come on think logically here guys. _

Hide just takes another shot to drown out them from talking into his ear and to ‘fuck it’ because he hasn’t had many people see him like …. You know like ‘that’ and the anxiety makes him feel too uneasy in the moment. 

“And if it makes you feel a little bit better. I’m bisexual Hide.” Itori says looking at him while throwing down a shot 

“Wait really?”

“What? You think I couldn’t get a nice gal to fall for me? Hell I’ll have both men and women fall for me.”

“No, no I didn’t mean it like that. I….. I guess it does make me feel better to know I’m not like alone here.”

“Well you got me! I don’t care who you love or have sex with you little sweetheart!” She says while coming closer to him and going for a hug.

The spite second thought of pushing her away came into his head, he also thought of how brave she was to tell him herself the truth about her own sexuality in the moment. She didn’t even have too but yet she still did.

Even with the itching paranoia of insects crawling in his skin, he just went with it. Maybe it’s the shots but he thought that hug was actually warm and friendly.

It felt really nice he thought.

He is the first one to pull away first from the hug.

“So going back to the question at hand! Did you get his name? Number? See his bed? Come on give me some good gossip here Hide, I’m dying to know!” She says excitedly to him.

“Ehh no actually I didn’t. I remember dancing with him for awhile but after that I don’t remember much.” He says fidgeting with the shot glass in front of him. Trying take his mind off of how embarrassing he still is.

“Really??? He didn’t even give you his number? Well maybe you didn’t even ask for it. You were buzzed pretty good that night but you know some people are like that. The ‘don’t ask ,don’t tell’ types.”

“Yeah I guess that could be true too.”

They both fall into a silence between them as the music overhead still goes on around them. People still chatting to each other, calling out for drinks and food. He almost didn’t hear Itori asking him something.

“Do you want to met him again?”

“Wait you know him? This whole time?”

“Well you didn’t ask if I did! Now we know to ask me things if you want to know, anyway do you want to see him again or not loverboy?”

_ “F͠o̢.͘.͡.͜..l͡o..̧..̨.͜bu͠i҉...͢..̸.҉.҉ffg͘.͘.͢....͟.̷..͝.͏...bjoo.” _

_ I think I can do this? Yeah maybe it will be good. _

_ I could also fuck things up so much that I can never come back here……. _

_ I can live with that. _

“Y-yeah I’ll like to see him again if that’s possible.”

Itori doesn’t even hesitant to whip out her phone and start up a text. She types so fast it doesn’t even take her 9 second to finish the text and close her phone.

“He’ll be coming shortly~.” She grins devilishly at him.

_ Oh god I feel real nervous now.  _ He thought to himself while a new song started to play above them. It’s base heavy and nearly making him vibrate in his seat.

**_“_ ** **_Oh baby, don't you know I suffer?_ **

**_Oh baby, can you hear me moan?_ **

**_You caught me under false pretenses,_ **

**_How long before you let me go?”_ **

**_“_ ** **_Ooh,_ **

**_You set my soul alight._ **

**_Ooh,_ **

**_You set my soul alight.”_ **

“ Look over there.” Itori says to him, pointing to the fair off corner of the bar. Towards the back.

A set of white locks.

Time feels like it starts to slow down.

**_“_ ** **_Glaciers melting in the dead of night,_ **

**_And the superstars sucked into the super massive._ **

**_Glaciers melting in the dead of night,_ **

**_And the superstars sucked into the super massive.”_ **

The sea of bodies that crowded the dance floor seem to part ways for him.

**_“_ ** **_I thought I was a fool for no one,_ **

**_Oh baby, I'm a fool for you._ **

**_You're the queen of the superficial,_ **

**_And how long before you tell the truth?”_ **

Hides breath has already been caught in his throat, squeezing his lungs for the lack of airflow.

**_“_ ** **_You set my soul alight,_ **

**_You set my soul alight.”_ **

The boy walks with ease in his steps, carefully like a dancer in a performance. His pale eyes are fixed on Itori’s. Hide could say he was glowing in the dark-red lighting of the club, like some type of angel in the corners of hell.

It was captivating.

**_“_ ** **_Glaciers melting in the dead of night,_ **

**_And the superstars sucked into the super massive._ **

**_Glaciers melting in the dead of night,_ **

**_And the superstars sucked into the....”_ **

“You texted Itori.” He says to her, not even asking her question. Just stating a fact.

_ I forgot how deep his voice is. _

Hide could see that he was so focus on getting to Itori that he didn’t really notice Hide sitting right next to her but soon enough, his eyes move slightly over to Hide’s.

His facial features don’t move from their dead place but his eyes widen just a bit more then Hide would like them too.

Without missing a beat the boy moves his head in Hide’s direction.

“Hello Mr. Nagachika. It’s a pleasure to meet you again.”

_ I’m going to fucking faint! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all??? How are all of you guys doing? I hope you like this chapter at least. I know it's kinda all over the place but you know? You gotta start somewhere. I also want to thank everyone who comments and leaves feed back. I'm just a sucker when it comes to you guys ～(^з^)-☆


	10. Pushing you back but your only making me want you more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki wondering who the fuck is texting him while he works.
> 
> He finds out.
> 
> Shots, sad words, maybe some light flirting.
> 
> Maybe........ a little kissy, kissy in the end? Who knows?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always I love shoving my music taste down y'all throats. There will be a link in the beginning. Oh and I write about a painter named 'Mike Dargas' I'll make a link for anyone who wants to look at his works.

[Maybe it's a kissy song maybe it's not? ฅ(♡ơ ₃ơ)ฅ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZrZKHBBFvQ)

 

[The Painter 'Mike Dargas'](http://www.mikedargas.com/)

 

_ I guess it’s a slow night tonight. _

_ I don’t like it. _

_ The quieter and slower nights are, only means people and ghouls are getting sneaker with their actions in the darkness of the shadows. _

_ But it doesn’t mean I won’t see them coming. _

***DING***

Kaneki pulls out his phone from his back pocket and slides it open.

**12:** Hey, hey sweet thing ٩(๑˃̌ۿ˂̌๑)۶ I got a little sunflower down here looking a bit lonely. Wonder if you could help?

_ What the fuck is Itori talking about?? Sunflower? Why would anyone…… _

_ My god. _

He slides the phone back into his pants pocket without sending a message back to Itori.

_ She can wait. I swear to god if I think what she’s doing I’m going to fucking explode from this stress. _

He looks down from the rooftop, checking if anyone has been straying about down there. It looks clear enough for him to move around. Standing up on the edge and carefully stepping off, free falling shortly to the concrete below. He hits the ground and turns quickly towards the backdoor.

Opening the door engulf his ears with the sound of loud beats and electronic music. He moves into it. 

_ Calmly Kaneki, calmly.  _ He thinks to himself

He looks around to see where Itori’s sitting at. Easily finding her in her ‘typical’ spot at the bar, sitting right next to someone he wishes he didn’t see here again.

_ Of course it’s Hideyoshi Nagachika. _

_ The one and fucking only. _

As Kaneki walks closer and closer, he can clearly see how distraught the poor kid is. His hair mostly passable looks a little more worse for wear this time. Dark eyes warm again but looking over Itori’s features frantically as he talks to her. Then slowly pausing, staring at nothing for moments on end.

_ But he looks like his listening to her? _

Finally he arrives to them _. _

“You texted Itori.” He says to her blankly.

_ Don’t you even start messing with this kid.  _ Is what he really want to say to her face but being his most consistent money flow he rather not lose that.

He moves his eyes over to glance at Hide but keeping his head forwards and straight.

“Hello Mr. Nagachika. It’s a pleasure to meet you again.”

It wasn’t his plain to make Hide burst out into a blush but he can clearly see the sudden redness inflame the kids cheeks.

_ That’s………. actually really cute. _

“Ahh good thing you remembered his name or that would be rude.” She winks at him. “Anyway keep him company while I have to do some ‘counting’ in the back.” She says skipping off her stoll and patting him on the shoulder, leaning a little too close to his ear.

“Isn’t he nice? I could almost .Eat.Him.Up~.”

Kaneki doesn’t move a single muscle as she says those words to him. 

He only looks on ahead to see the other boy fidget awkwardly in his seat.

_ Oh god Hide……. _

_ What have you gotten yourself into. _

Itori removes her hand from him and walks off to the backrooms. Where he knows she’ll be doing some ‘important’ business there.

_ I need a fucking cigarette. _

He sits himself down where Itori was not too long ago, lighting up a cigarette in his hand.

“Do you mind?” He ask cooly.

“Wait? OH! N-no it’s fine. I don’t mind.” Hide says nervously.

“Thanks.” He says inhaling the smoke. Holding it carefully in his lungs until he feels the right type of burn, then slowly exhaling it out.

They fall into a quiet type of chaos. As they sit still next to each other, untalking. The background raves on endlessly. Music blaring too loudly while people drink and dance.

If you even notice close enough you can see people taking drugs.

He doesn’t feel bad about probably being the one they all got it from.

Well that’s what he likes to tell himself.

“Why are you here Hide?” He says taking another drag off his cigarette.

“Uh-h well Itori texted me. I didn’t want to just say ‘no’ to her.”

“Are you saying you can’t say ‘no’ to people?” 

Hide doesn’t reposed for a few seconds.

_ Shit I was just asking as a light question but…. Fuck! I didn’t think he’ll- _

“Haha I guess I am.” He smiles softly, as he fiddles with one of the shot glasses but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes though.

_ It doesn’t even seem genuine. _

Kaneki doesn’t say anything to him but he does flag down the bartender to order a drink. 

Vodka to be exact.

“Two please.” He tells the bartender.

The bartender slides over the shots and Kaneki downs both of them in near seconds.

“I didn’t mean to be rude Hide…... Okay let me start over again. What brings you over to helter skelter this cold night?” He turns himself more towards Hide in his seat, leaning his chin on his hand.

“Ah it’s the same answer.. Itori asked me to hang out with her but I don’t know if I should stay around if she’s doesn’t want me here.”

Now that made Kaneki laugh.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh at that. I just think it’s funny you say that because in reality. She  **wants** you to stay here.” He says pointing at him.

“Really?”

“Mhumm.” 

“That’s a relief to know.” Hide sighs out. 

_ I won’t be sighing just yet. _

“ Are you a colle-”

“How do you know my nam -”

They talk at the same time, cutting into both of their sentences.

Kaneki stays quiet.

_ Forget about asking him if he goes to college. I already know that. I want to know what he was just about to ask. _

Hide gets the hint that Kaneki is waiting for him to start talking.

“Ahhh I know this might be weird to ask but how do you know my name? Have we met somewhere before? Because you do look familiar, I just can’t tell where...”

“Oh that? Well you might not remember this but you said I looked like the leader singer to Dir En Grey. Kyo. But also saying I could be him but I look less ‘meaner’. So maybe that’s why I look so familiar to you.”

“I SAID WHAT!??” Hide says cringely.

“Yeah you said all of that.” He says nicely as Hide seems to be very embarrassed by hearing of he said when he was drunk.

“Ohhh that’s!… That’s so bad!”

“I thought it was cute really.” He smiles.

Suddenly Hide stops.

“W-what?” he asks confused.

“I’m just saying that I thought it was cute of you to think that of me. No one really does that.”

_ What am I saying???? _

They fall back into a silence but this time it’s different...

It’s not so much as the chaos goes on behind them but somehow it starts to lingering within them. Kaneki already close enough to Hide to see the kid is thinking about something. 

“Are you flirting with me?” Hide ask him breathlessly, his lips parted just slightly enough to get the words out of his mouth.

As if his words were trapped inside him but didn’t want them to escape in fear of feeling something.

In fear of feeling anything.

God, it’s amazing how Kaneki can understand that feeling.

“Maybe I was? Is that so bad?” He ask back smoothly, steadily taking his other hand and gently bringing it rest next to Hide’s arms. Making sure he doesn’t touch him but just enough to be so very close to it. 

“A-hh no it’s not bad at all.” Hide says swallowing, making his adam’s apple move ever so faintly.

It’s not that he thinks that Hide is sweating but his skin looks smooth and moist. There is heating in the bar but with all the people in here it’s probably making it much more hotter then before.

He looks like some type of painting Mike Dargas could only paint to the very tiniest of detail.

_ I want to touch him… _

“Hide I -”

Before Kaneki could say anything. Hide moves very closely towards him, mere inches away from his face. Hide just looks at him. Looking at his eyes, then looking down to his lips.

It look like he wants to say something but nothing is coming out from his mouth.

To Kaneki’s fear, he starts to pull away from their closeness.

_ Like Hell! _

Kaneki brings up one of his hands and let’s his fingertips just ghost over Hide’s cheek. Hide doesn’t look taken back but somewhat more shocked that he did make a move towards him.

They both look at each other for a long moment. Observing each other to see if one or another will pull away first.

None of the two do that.

The tension snaps.

Hide is the first to bring both of his hands up to cup Kaneki’s face, pulling him closer and closer. Kaneki grabbing fist full of Hide’s hair, pushing him more into him. Needing more of just  _ him _ .

Kankei can taste the sour liquor on Hide’s tongue but that doesn’t make him stop. Hell you could say it made him want Hide even more.

The kiss is heated and they both don’t let go of each other.

But how could they stop?

When this is just the beginning.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of you guys asked for it so here it is. Y'all think I'm weak but really I'm just fucking insane for writing this today so fast.
> 
> I hope y'all still like it though!!! I'm always loving to read your comments and feed back. It just grows my ego more.


	11. I was just trying to be normal for once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After kiss thoughts by Hide and a 'nicer' view on helter skelter in the backer rooms.

 

“Oh my god. O-h my fucking god.” Hide laughs to himself in his bedroom ecstatically. Turning to muffle the sounds he makes by covering his mouth with his hand but in it’s so hard to hold in.

_ Fuck _ it’s so hard to hold in.

It’s about 3 a.m. on a Saturday morning and Hide just got back from the bar called helter skelter. Where he yet again kissed one of the most beautiful boys his ever seen in his life. 

Maybe he’s has a bit too much to drink that night, maybe he’s feeling the weird effects on his mind and body from being on medication while drinking. Who really knows?

Hide touches his lips lightly but ends up giggling to himself from the memories that come back foggly.

It makes him smile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki pulls back the backroom curtains, knowing damn well that Itori will be somewhere around here. He moves past the multiply rooms that are laid about in this section of helter skelter. He also knows what the people are doing in their too.

Drugs sales, gang meetings, ghoul feedings, information brokers trying their best at getting something good, and some prostitution here and there.

_ Just another normal night. _

Unexpectedly, one of the doors that are lined up on the walls open up. A woman with long black hair wearing little to no clothes almost walks into him.

“Ah sorry….” She says quietly covering up her bloodied mouth, trying to walk away as quickly as she can but leaving the door she walked out of right open.

While she is already long gone, the stench from the room is purely  _ overwhelming. _ But he doesn’t even hesitate to press the small black button that is beside of the door. Watching it light up red to know that someone will be coming to clean up the ‘mess’ in the room. 

He grasps the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the inside of the door and puts it on the outside. Closing the door hoping that no one will walk in on this scene of self-pleasures done by Nutcracker.

Again.

_ If she wants to eat then at least close the door after. _

Walking past more and more doors until finally he’s met with a uncanny black steel door. Why steel? Well ghouls of course can’t was bring out their kagune now a days. Not just because of the Doves, but because of the virus going on.

He knocks twice.

Not even 3 seconds later the door unlocks with loud mechanical clicks, unhinging and sliding the door wide open.

“Come in~!” Itori greets from her large desk table.

He walks into the room and the door closes behind him.

“Take a seat~. I bet you want to chit-chat a little, don’t you?” She says doing a hand motion towards the black leather chair across from her desk.

“No I’ll stand for this.”

“Do as you please.” She says shrugging her shoulders. “Anyway how is the night so far? Of course it seems like Hide isn’t here anymore because knowing you, you wouldn’t leave someone like him in a place like this alone.” She smiles, putting her elbows on the desk and lancing her fingers together.

He doesn’t reply to her.

“Well if your not going to reply to that then maybe you would like to talk business? Mhmm?”

He just continues to stare at her. 

Hoping that she’ll just get to the point already.

“Alright then, well if you haven’t heard already which I doubt that has happened. Aogiri wants to have a meet and greet as normal but as we now had a clear cut new set of rules, I have a feeling their not going to follow any of that. Because simply they are ‘Aogiri’ of course.” She says taking her elbows off the desk and leaning back into her chair.

_ Well isn’t that just the fucking truth right there. _

“Yes, that’s a understandable concern.” He says back dully.

“So that’s why I want you go to the meet and greet this time. Give them the ‘goods’ and get the money, simple as that.”

_ I smell bullshit. _

“Mhmm ‘simple as that’ right? So you and Eto are on good footing now? Is that it?”

“Ahhh! Your so meannnn Kaneki! Well if you must know she won’t respond to any of my texts! Like how Fucked up is that! Just because I kill off some of her so called ‘army’ she gets mad at me! Unfair bitch.” She says while saying the word ‘army’ with finger quotations.

“And wanting me to be there because?”

“Because! Your so well ‘put together’ of course! The ‘White Flower’ hasn’t has a public view yet, it’s really a shame.” 

_ Wow, she really almost sounds disappointmented with it. _

_ Almost. _

“I would like to keep it that way Itori.”

“Well now matter what you ‘feel’ I’m telling you do go to do this job Kaneki. You will do it.” She says with a less upbeat feeling and more threatening demeanor.  

He knows he has to do it.

_ It’s not like anyone else could even come close to the money that Itori gives to me. There is no other choice for me to pick. And if there were another one, then it’s not as good as this one. _

“Yes, of course.” He says.

“Great~. I’ll give you more details about the meeting later on this week.” She says. “So keep on your toes until then~.” She winks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**It makes him smile.**

“Oh fuck! I totally forgot to ask for his name again!” Hide says to himself in his room alone.

“Ahh there’s always next time..” He smiles again.

_ “I d͡oub̵t tha̕t͟.” _

“Whatda do you mean by that?” He says taking a seat on his bed, flopping down to lay for a bit.

_ “W̛e̸ll ̸it's al̨r̸e̶ady been̸ two ti͘m̶es̛.͘ ̸Tw̛ǫ ̨t̸im̶es ̨t͘hat ҉are ҉to̶o҉ mu̶c̴h.”  _ They echo to him.

“But iff you like someone then meeting two times isn’t enough!” 

_ “W̛hy͡ ̧woul҉d ͡you l̶i͟ke͜ h̡i̕m̷?͜ Y̶ou̴ don't͝ ͢ev̕ȩn kn҉ow ͢h̢i͜s͢ n͢am͞e HIde.” _

“You don’t have to know a lot about somebody to actually like them you know. Anyway he didn’t seem to comfortable to say he’s name and I didn’t want to push him to say anything he didn’t want to.” Hide pouts.

_ “B͞ųt d̴o͢n҉'͢t̴ y͟ou͏ ̵wa̛nt͜ ͞to͜ ͟kn̨o̧w wh͜y h̕e ҉di͢d̨n͘'t ̶t͢ell ͝you ̛h̛is n̨a̛m̕e?̨” _

_ “D̢o̸n̸'͘t y̡ou ̶t͘hi̷nk ̶he̸ mi̵gh͟t'͠v҉e̵ t͢ho̡ug͢ht h̕e̷ just͠ ͜w̵ante̷d̸ to ͢fo̴ol ͡a͞ro̷u̕nd a bit ̡wit͜h͡ ̶a ̨strang͢e̕r ͢for a̕ f͟e̴w͠ n҉ight͠s?̴” _

“Maybe but he seemed to-”

_ “D̷o̵ y̢ou ͘rea͡ll̷y t̵hink͟ h͠e͝ ̢c̢oul̷dn't͞ ̧thi̵nk o͠f ̛you̸ ͟m̧o̵r̡e҉ t͠h̵e͘n̢ ͞ju̶s̕t ̶a lustf̸ul obj͠e̷c̶t t͘o ̕h͘a̧ve ̛fu͝n w͡ith͞?̧” _

“BUT! He - he seemed to know my name. That says something!” Hide suddenly sits up in the bed, getting frustrated with their words. 

_ “And̨ ye͟t͘ ͠you şt͞i͘ll ͏d̸on̶'t͝ ͜kn͝o͢w̶ ̶his ͘ţh̕o͝ugh̨.͢” _

“You guys are not  _ fucking _ hearing me! He knew my name! That says something to his feelings. Like… like if he wanted to could hook up with a ‘stranger’ then why would he know my name in the first place? Think about it!”

_ “W͜h҉y w̧o̷uld̕ he ̵kno̕w̴ ̷yo͞ur ͢name͡?̵ ͜W͝el͢l to̡ ge͞t in̡ ͞you͘r pa͢n̨t͠ş y͏o̴u fucki̵ng i͘dio̡t͠.҉ ͢P̢eo̢pl͝e ̕w͠ho ͏ąre n̵ic̡e͝r͞ t͠o̧ oth̸er pȩo҉p͏ļȩ ̶t̶hat ţh̷e̷y ar͞e ̨i̸n͢t͝erest̡ed in̴ t͝h͜ey͞ ̢t͘e͞nd t͠o҉ ̛b̧e͏ ̕k̶i͠n̶dęr̨. ̕I̡t'͟s ͞bas͟i̷c͟ ͢i͜nf͟o̴r͟mąt͝i̷on ͢Hi̵d҉e.” _

_ “W͞h̴y ̨ar̛e y͞o͠u͘ bein҉g ͝so̢ d̢ense̵? ̨Ca͡n͏'t͡ ҉y͜o̷u ͘se͘e ̡the ̸b̸ig͘ pic̛tu̕re?̷ “ _

“W-what? I’m not being dense! I’m just sayi-”

_ “Or̶ ͜a̷re ̸yo̕u thinki̵ng w͞ith your͝ d͢ic͘k too ͡m̛uc̛h͘ ͘now̢?͟” _

He’s taken back by their words, feeling his face turn hot with shame and guilt. He tries to think of words to say back, to say anything to them for him to fight back but falling short in the end.

_ “Wh̨a̕t h͜ave noth̕ing͘ t̵o͜ s̶ay t̛o͜ t̵h͞ąt?” _

_ “Did w̷e g͘et̵ it r͞igh͡t?” _

_ “W̶̨͢e ͠di̧͢d͟҉,͝ ̸di̡͘d̷͜n͏͞'̵̶̵t̢̕͟ ̕w͘͢e͏̶̕?” _

He still seats in his bed but now the walls feel to small, too close for him to breathe steadily, they just feel like  **_too much_ ** . 

_ Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth. _ He repeats to himself over and over.

_ “Y͘ou t҉hi̡̕͝n̶҉ķ̷̶ ̶t̵҉ha҉t҉ ̵br҉̕͟e͠a̸̡t̛̕͝h̸iņg̶̴ ͘s̴h̸̴i̸t ͠wi̴l̴͜l̡͡ ͝a͏c̡͟t̨͠ua̛͠ll̸̸̴y̛ h͏̸el͘̕p̧̕ ̸͡y͟o̴u̸?̢̛” _

_ “D͢͝o͞n̢'t҉ mak̶̵e̷̶͟ ̧u͢s ̢lą͜u̴gh͝.̛͟” _

_ “T͏̴h̢o̶͡s͏e ̶͟͝d͏̶ǫc̢t҉̴̴o͟͝r̛s̶ ̷̡a̷nd̵̡͠ ̨̧t̛h͢͠ę̢͢r̶a͢p̶̴i̶͏s̷t̛ ҉͏d̸̢o͟n't͘͢ ̶g͜҉i͘͢ve ̴͝t͢͜w̨o͘ ̶̛ş̕͜h͘i̕͡͡ts̴̢ ab̴̧ou̕͝t̶ y̛o̸͞ų͢. ̧ “ _

_ “Th̟e̷̼y ̟̺̳j̹̕u͉̠̪͜s͔͇̮̹̩̹t̯̯̩̗͙̳̖ ̦͘g̛̮̻̤̭̹i̶͚̳͙̺̗v͔̺̙̗̺e̳̙͈ͅ ̬̲͞y̙̥̤̫͇̠͟o̯̣̠̳̕u̝͇̘̳̦͎̫͞ ̛͖͙͖ͅͅt͏ḫ̖͎̱͇e̴̯ ̠̙̮c͔̕h̷̞̪͓̲̝̘e̲a̙̭̻̫̰p̧͕̭̪̲̙̠̭ḙ̛̙͙̳̠͔͓s̼t̮̰ ̧̭̙̣w̤͈͖̪̝̙a̟̜͚̝͟y̯ ̷̮̱̪͇͔f҉or ͞y̜̮̱o̮͇͈̟̠̫u̡̱͈͕̥ t̩͍̼͙o͓͍̘̺̻ͅ ͈͝s҉o̠̯̫̱̮m̬͍e̥͖͉̬̳̗̕h̗̹͎̣͈o̡̹̭̮̬͚̟w̙̬̮ ͙'̘͖̙̩̰h̪̤̲e̞̦͓̳̳̤̲͘l͔͘p̛'̞̮͔͖ ͚̝͚̼͔ͅͅy͍͔̬̘͈̻̩o͔̣͖̕u͎̺̹r̪̜̖̦̫̘̯s̷͍̳̜̣e͏̬̹̟͚̫̻̲l̥̘̰f̜͖̫͔̰͕̠ ̝̞̦͉̘͝s͉̱̕ơ ̜̠̮̣̙͚t̝͓̖̪̠͈̗͜h̶̳̞̤͖̜e̱͇̙̤̜y̛̳͈̠̠ c͓̩̙̘a̖̥̟̘n̰̬͇̗͠ ҉̱̙̥̱̪r͕͚͉̩͈͝a̫̬̣̱̣͔͈͞c̰̬ͅk͕̺̼̪͙ ͚̥̺͎͇͚ͅu̢̫̩͇̝̫̻͍p̴ ̭̲̯t̸̲̪h̳̫̳̩̹͖̙e͓̥̮̠͚̮ ̭̠̞͜m̟̱͓̱̱̤͘o͇̠̦̬͙n̙e͈ͅy̦̘̱̗̗̗͚͝ ̳͖͖͚̪̪y̦͉͍̱͎̳̣o̷u ̥͍͎͔̟̩p̟̠͓͔͍̺̹o̝u͎͎͞r̗ ̳̲̘͉i͙̠͕̺̗̤͖n̷̟̭̥t̻̥̹̳̪͙o̢̤̼̻̥̺͕̹ ̹̺̩̥̠͇̠a̶̯̜͓l̞̲l̰̪ ͇t̻̞̗̻̩̣h͉̟̼̦̙a҉̫͚ṱ͠ͅ m̲̦̺͈e͔͔̪̦d̗̝̩͕̗͕̮i̴̺̙͚͓̩̗c̯̞̟̲̤̞̱͟a̖̘t̰̤̝͓̱̣̙į͔̘̦̜ơ̱͉̹̰n̼̞̗̥̫ ̥͙͕a̮̗n͏d͍̞ ̫͈̩͢t͖̙̩͍̱̖͜h͍̜̥͉͕̹ͅer̷̤̟͍̥̤a͈̠̖p̖͎̺̮̣̭̱y̭ ͚̼̭̠͓̮̘g͏̰̘̝ṟ̩̪̥͎̗o̵̜̦͇u̧̮̰͖̖̰p̛̫̠̰̩s̘͕͉͈̭.̲͕̝̲͍͙” _

 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m not supposed to talk them. _

_ Did I even take my medication again today? _

_ But that wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t right?? _

_ I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. _ **_I don’t know._ **

Hide covers his ear with both of his palms of his hands. Hoping that, even praying that it would block out their words. To block out anything they say for fucks sake. He squeezed his eyes shut

The room spin around him, their words spin around him. His breath comes out in heaves. Trying to suck air back into his lungs calmly.

_ “If͙̘̼͖ ̙̳y̮̠̣̻o̫̳̲̗̙ͅu̵̲͕͙̰͖͇ ͔̤̻̪͖̙̘d̫̜̺ͅo̝n̹͔̯̮'̵̣̺̲̩̪t̸̝ ͕̘k̺̻̥n̵o̱w̛̝̠ s҉̦̳̯̟o̦̭̥ ̝͖̲̜͚̭m̱̣̫̝̞̠ư͍͚͓̥̠c̼̦͎h̙̪̲ ̥̩t̟̼͉̭h̡̩̩̖͍e̥̖͡n̴ ̸̦l͙̠͈͟i͚͟s͉̱̖̭t̛̙e̱͈n̲̹̣̪ ͕̪̤͈͉͇̤t̗̻̥̟o̤̺̳͝ ͕̫̩us̵̙̳̖̦̞̥ ͕̜͉̩͍̗f̸̪̞̩o̴̳̬͉̝̥̰̩r̭̝ͅ ̞ͅa ̗͔̠͝s̛̰͈͔eco̦̮͍̠ͅn̩͇̯̯̦ͅd̼̤̬̙̺̞  _ **_͈͍H͖̻͇i̜͈͜d̖̣͝e̘_ ** _.” _

_ “J͡u̶st ̸̨l̨i̧̛s͞t̸e̛͘n̨ ̴to ͢͠u̸͝s̶̕.” _

_ “Ju͠st͢ l͟i̢s͏t͡e͢n t̵o ̷uş.” _

_ “Just listen to me.” _

The room stops spinning so fast he could’ve given him whiplash.

All the noises around him just suddenly stop.

Not just them speaking but everything is gone. 

The buzz of the light in his room, the hum of the dorm heater, the passing by of cars from outside driving by, the soft talking from the otherside of the wall.

It’s all gone now.

He opens his eyes and regrets it. 

_ “Why don’t you listen to me Hide?”  _

_ It ‘them’. _

_ Have I gotten so bad that I’m seeing them again? _

The ‘person’ in front of him is someone he has never seen in life. No one resembles them, not even close enough to say that his mind made them up by a person that had a impact on his life. 

Their hair parted out the middle, the longest black hair he has ever seen on anyone flows over their shoulders, covering most of their body. It’s funny in a way because they wear clothes but because of their hair it doesn’t look that way at times.

_ “See, looks what has happened Hide. See what happens when you don’t listen to me?” _

He doesn’t moving, not speaking a single word. He just looks down at his hands, eyes begging to focus too much and drying out his retinas. 

They sting but he can’t blink.

Slowly he can feel them touch his hands.

_ Their cold…. _

_ “It’s okay Hide.”  _ They coo.

Their hands trace alongside his arms now, gradually moving farther up on him.

_ “You can always count on me. Because in the end Hide, I’m the only one who won’t leave you.”  _ They say now cradling his face with their cold damp hands, leaning their forehead onto his.

“But your not real….” He whispers weakly to them.

“Your not real….”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello y'all (๑ˊ▵ॢˋ̥๑) Sorry for the longer wait for this chapter. I've just been tired a lot lately and things just been harder in a sense. . 
> 
> But I hope y'all like this chapter though! (๑ ˊ͈ ᐞ ˋ͈ )ƅ̋


	12. Do you want to grow closer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide seems not to be doing wello. Kaneki is in class alone and wants to know where the hell Hide is!
> 
> And because I really enjoy music I'll leave a song in the begging of the chapter for the mood towards the end of the chapter.

[The song I was talking about (♦ŐωŐ♦)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb2Sh9MBDIc)

 

***DING***

_ “Don't̶ an͞s͡w̕e̛r̕ i͝t ̸H̕id̵e̕.͟” _

He listens to their words as he continues to lays under his blankets. Burying his face more and more into his pillow, trying to somehow block out any noises that come through to him.

***DING***

_ Please stop. I don’t want to hear anything anymore. I just want to be alone. _

_ Just  _ **_alone_ ** _. _

He can feel the pressure of anxiety in his chest build at a aching speed. It hurts him. The feeling as if someone is scraping he’s sternum with a rusty knife. It stings and he knows it won’t leave him.

It never really leaves him anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

_ Mhmmm I wonder where Hide is? _

Kaneki sits in class while everyone else mostly is working on their own projects. It’s Wednesday morning and no Hide around anywhere, he even sent the guy a text but no response.

_ Where the fuck is he?  _ He thinks as he puts his phone back into his pocket.

_ Could he be sick?  _

_ Well if he was even sick wouldn’t he text back anyway? Or before class started, give me a heads up at least? _

4 minutes go by.

10 minutes go by.

Then 17 minutes go by.

And still no reply by Hide.

_ That’s it! _

Kaneki grabs his backpack and stands from his seat. Good for him that the professor is kept busy with grading papers of multiply forms of artwork. Or maybe he’s getting away with it because she’s just done for the day and if students want to leave she’ll gladly let them.

He walks out of the studio and sends one more text over to Hide to just let him know that he’ll be coming over to his dorm with things. And as in things he mostly means medical supplies because he doesn’t know if Hide’s really sick or not.

Of course in the ghoul world now, the current virus that has spread through them has taken a turn drastically. Kaneki doesn’t know if humans could catch it but that information has yet to be fully known.

Who knows what will happen to humans, if they do get it.

 

* * *

 

 

Another ding comes from his phone, and it takes most all of his willpower to not throw over his bed blankets and smash the damn phone.

He just wants it to be quiet! 

Some fucking peace and quiet for a single goddamn second!

Is that so much to ask for!???

As he lays under the blankets he can feel a sudden weight lean into his bed.

He doesn’t like it.

_ “Hide~~~. Why don’t you look at me?”  _

_ Ignore them. Just simply ignore them completely like Mrs. Tomoe said and they’ll just go away.  _

_ They’ll go away right? _

_ “Why would we go away Hide? Why would you want that from us?”  _ They say moving closer, slower and thoughtful. Like every movement is supposed to be careful and gentle but it only feels like a threat in the most passive aggressive way.

He’s cornered. 

He can’t move a muscle.

And their breathing into his fucking  **ear** .

_ Ignore them. Ignore them. Ignore them. Ignore them. _

**_Just ignore them!_ **

_ “When you think in your head Hide. We can still hear you, you know?”  _ They say while he can feel their hot breath against the shell of his ear.

They are right beside him, their form inclosed on the side of his body.Cradling him. Spooning him. As they speak to him.

He’s still under the blankets but now they don’t feel as safe as they used to be. They feel suffocating.

_ “Are you listening to us Hide?”  _ They hiss at him.

He can feel their hands move on him. Creeping them alongside him until they make their way towards his neck. Softly caressing his throat with their fingers, almost in a lovingly way. 

Until they start to squeeze him.

_ “Hide͡. Ans͡w̶er̵ u̕s͝.҉” _

_ Let go. Let go please. _

_ “T̨̯̯̳h̰͕e͉͙͚͘n̵̝͕͓̪ ̜͖̠̩͉͈an̝̟̞̥̥̮s̨͚w͠e̼͚̺r͢ ̲͞u͎͚̠̝̺̱s̯͎ ̫͓̗̯̹H̢̥̠̭͉͓ͅi͍̹̭̫d͖͕̣̦e̛.̩ͅ” _

_ “J̱̦̺̥̜̫̩̬͞u̷҉̲͎͇̫̼̻͈͖s̴̢͓̼̜͔̯͓͢t̸̷̡̤͍ ̧̣̱͇͚͢a̵̷̬̯̭̗̞̳͞n͍̳͇̻̠̜s̶̶̰̦ͅw̸͔̲͚̺̣͔̲̗e̵̞̫̬̞̟̦̦r̜ ̩̘̜u̵̢͍̩͜s̴̢̠̩͟.̠̻̱̯” _

 

***KNOCK* *KNOCK***

He’s startled by the shock of the extra sound coming from most likely the front door.  He shakes from the uneasiness and dread that’s been filling up his system but he does notice that the weight on the bed is gone.

He breathes out a shaky sigh.

Sitting up in his bed and taking off the covers that were draped over his head, he listens to the knocking continue to come from the front door. 

_ Is somebody really knocking on the door? How can I be sure? How can I tell if it’s somebody actually there and not just another ‘noise’? _

He needs to be sure.

_ Nishiki is already at classes, so it can’t be him. Even if his class have ended early, why would he need to knock? He has his own set of keys. _

***DING**DING***

_ Fuck my phone! _

Grabbing his phone off of the table next to his bed, he swipes it open. He has three new texts.

From Kaneki of all people.

**Kaneki:** Hey Hide! Class is about to start and was just wondering where you are? Did you get sick (๑•́ㅿ•̀๑) ? If you are then it’s alright to just stay at your place for the day and take it easy. Please text me back if you need anything!

**Kaneki:** Hide are you okay  _:(´□`」 ∠):_? Haven’t gotten any texts from you, are you really doing fine? Well I’ll come over to your dorm just to make sure, if you don’t want me to just text me back.

**Kaneki:** Alright boi I’m here (´･ω･)9))【dooя】Please open up the door so I really don’t think your dead or something. It would be sad.

“Ahhh fuck……..” He says aloud as he looks over the text messages.

He stands up from his bed and moves fast to make it towards the door but stopping short as he sees himself in the mirror for a quick second. 

_ God I should really clean up quick. _

He jumps into the bathroom and splashes some cold water on his face. Taking the tube of toothpaste and squeezing some on his tongue, turning on the sink and gargling some water into his mouth to make a cheap version of mouthwash. Spitting it out then taking a bush and pulling it painfully through his hair.

He’s in a hurry so he pulls his hair back and takes a hair-tie from his wrist and ties it back.

He scrambles to the front door where the knocking has stopped.

_ Damn it! Am I too late??? _

He slams open the door and sees a surprised and slightly confused Kaneki waiting for him.

_ Ahh thank god. _

“H-hey dude! I just saw your texts message. Sorry I was err  _ sleeping _ ?” He says nervously scratching the back of his neck.

They both just stare at each other.

Then Kaneki burst out laughing out of nowhere.

_ Did I say something funny? _

“It’s alright Hide. If you were busy with something that’s fine. I just wanted to know if your alright. Oh and I don’t know if your are sick or something but I got you ‘this’.” Kaneki says holding up a plastic bag for Hide to grab.

He takes the bag from Kaneki and looks inside.

It’s filled with flu and cough medicine.

_ Oh god I feel like an ass... _

_ “T̢hat҉'͏s be̢ca̛us͢e͜ ̵yo̵u ar̵e̷ one.͘” _

“Ahh thanks dude! Like I’m probably coming down with something so it’s great that you got me ‘this’.” He says holding up the bag.

_ “Y̴o͡ur̴ ly͝ing̴ aga̶in Ḩide͝.” _

They both stand there at the front door not doing anything. Kind of not knowing what to do actually.

_ He came all this way to give me this stuff…... _

_ I could invite him in? Would he want that? If I asked him would he feel too pressured to say ‘no’ if not? _

“Mhm would you-”

“Hey can I-”

They both start to say something but end up interrupting each other. 

They end up laughing because of it, easing the tension in the air around them.

“You go first.” Kaneki says to him.

“Ah okay… Would you like to come in? Like you totally don’t have to! But you came all this way to just give me this stuff and I don’t have much to give you as me being a poor college kid but …..” He stops short in his sentence. “Ahh sorry I’m trying to say would you like to come in and have some coffee?”

“Yeah I would like that.”

 

* * *

 

 

_ Is he even here? _ Kaneki thinks to himself as he knocks on Hides dorm door.

_ I guess I better send another text message just to let him know that I’m here. _

He opens up his phone and types out a short message and send it to Hide. Hoping that Hide is here and receives it.

2 minutes go by and he is still knocking on the door, feeling a little more weird just standing out here without no one coming to the door.

_ Maybe he really isn’t here? Should I leave the medicine on the door handle. _

But before he could even do that, the door swings right open. 

Hide stands at the entryway but he doesn’t look too good. Paled face and darker then normal bags hang under his eyes, they almost look red with color.

_ Was he crying? Why would he be crying? _

“H-hey dude! I just saw your texts message. Sorry I was err  _ sleeping _ ?” Hide says, sounding not really confident with his answer.

_ That’s? So??? Cute???? _

Kaneki can’t help but just laugh at what Hide said.

“It’s alright Hide. If you were busy with something that’s fine. I just wanted to know if your alright. Oh and I don’t know if your are sick or something but I got you ‘this’.” He says holding up the bag of random medical stuff for Hide.

“Ahh thanks dude! Like I’m probably coming down with something so it’s great that you got me ‘this’.” Hide says grabbing the bag.

_ Is that enough? Should I leave now? _

_ Fuck wait?! Is he going to ask me how I found his dorm?? I gotta think of something to make up! _

“Mhm would you-”

“Hey can I-”

_ Well that’s embarrassing….. But also pretty funny I gotta say. _

They both laugh at it but then he hears it.

He hears for the first time, Hides laughter. It’s airy and light and for some damn reason it pulls on his heartstrings. 

You could almost say it hurts in a way.

“You go first.” He tells Hide.

“Ah okay… Would you like to come in? Like you totally don’t have to! But you came all this way to just give me this stuff and I don’t have much to give you as me being a poor college kid but …..” Hide stammers out.

_ Is he actually? Asking me to come into his dorm? _

“Ahh sorry I’m trying to say would you like to come in and have some coffee?”

_ OH FUCK!  He really is asking me if I want to come into his dorm! _

He is about to turn down Hides offer but then he looks at the kid.

Hide’s cheeks are red and he’s not looking at Kaneki but at the floor.

_ Damn it. He’s really trying….. _

_ I can’t say no to coffee I guess. _

_ Or you. _

“Yeah I would like that.” He smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you like this chapter (ृʾ́꒳ʿ̀ ृ　)ु and I don't know if anyone has re-checked the tags but I added a few if y'all wanted to know.
> 
> Also a big big thanks to everyone who leaves comments and feed back! I really enjoy reading them.


	13. Warm coffee and book talks are my favorite with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title just says it guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first I want to say that Kaneki talks about a book in this chapter. It's a real book and one of my all time favorite books to read, like I'm saying I'm not trying to sell this book or anything like that but I just thought it would be cool to throw it in here.
> 
> But if you do want to read it or at lest look at it. I'll put a link in the begging of the chapter for y'all.

[The book that is spoken about](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/33_Snowfish)

 

As Hide invites him in, he takes notice of the things around him.

_ It’s pretty clean for two guys living together……… _

_ I’m kinda jealous that Touka and Ayato aren’t more like this in the apartment. _

“Where should I take off my shoes?”

“Oh! Over there please.”

Kaneki takes off his shoes and place them where the others are lined up against the side wall. After that he just stands awkwardly in the middle of the living room by himself, not knowing where the hell Hide even went off too. 

But just as he was thinking of him, Hide pops out of a hallway with two cups in his hands.

“You can sit down anywhere.” Hide tells him. 

He nods and takes a seat on the couch, feeling a little more stiff than normal. It’s not that he’s uncomfortable with being around Hide but more as he’s just nervous to be ‘here’.

A ‘normal’ setting of someone’s home.

No yelling coming from the otherside of the walls, no police sirens going by with tires screeching, no mold on the ceiling or floorboards, no random gunshots going off out of nowhere.

Just the hum of a dorm heater and quiet little whispers coming off the walls.

_ It’s nice……. _

_ It’s so nice it’s uncomfortable. _

“Here’s your coffee by the way. I didn’t know if you liked anything in it but I just kept it black to be safe but if you want sugar or cream, I can go get you some. Oh and we don’t have milk? My roommate doesn’t drink much of anything so I’m the only one drinking soy.” Hide mumbles quietly, while taking a seat himself on the couch.

“It’s alright, I actually prefer black coffee.” He says taking the cup in his hands, slowly taking a sip off of it.

_ Not half bad. _

“Oh thank god.” Hide breathes a sigh of relief. 

“What did you think I was going to hate it?”

“Well I guess I just don’t know you well enough to actually know what thing’s you like or dislike yet.” Hide says fiddling with his cup.

“Well you can ask me then.”

“Wait what?”

“I’m saying you can ask me things that you want to know about me.” He says setting his cup down and leaning back into the couch, crossing his legs.

“Ahhh okay…..” Hide say a little anxiously but he does seem to be thinking of something. 

“What’s your favorite book then?”

“Oh ….. Not many people ask me that question often. But off the top of my head I would say the book called ‘ _ 33 Snowfish’  _ by the author called Adam Rapp, he’s an american writer.”

“What do you like about it so much? What makes it special from you? Sorry if these questions are boring, I’m not what people say ‘great’ with talking.” Hide says smiling hesitantly.

_ Damn it, your fine with talking. _

“I think it’s because how realistic it can be. The book might seem unreal to people who’ve never had serious problems in their life or haven’t thought about the dangers in everyday life as a child or young adult but I think Adam writes it so well. The characters in the book at first are rude, unfeeling, racist, cold, and so many more words. But as the story sort of unfolds you somewhat understand of how the characters can to be like that.” 

“Of course there is no excuse for them to be like that but in the end you can’t really blame them in a sense. How could a 10 year old boy who has been through so much and had no good role model be a nice person to others? To be kind? How could a 14 year old girl who has been forced to be used for her body know that she doesn’t have do that for anyone?”

Hide remains silent as Kaneki talks more about the book in somewhat vague detail, to not give away much of it in case Hide somehow wants to read it in the near future. Kaneki seems to get lost in thought about the book’s language and how affects the readers feelings.

“Oh,  sorry I’ve been doing a lot of the talking here.” He says apologetically. 

Hide looks taken back for a second.

“Dude no need to say ‘sorry’. I think it’s really amazing that you have something so specially to you that just talking, makes you so passionate about it.” Hide says to him, rubbing the rim of his cup with soft eyes.

Without skipping a beat Kaneki ask Hide something.

“Do you have something you're passionate about?”

“M-me?”

“Yes, you Hide. What are you passionate about? Or better question, what makes you feel alive?”

 

* * *

 

 

“Yes, you Hide. What are you passionate about? Or better question, what makes you feel alive?” Kaneki ask him.

_ “W̴hat ̶do͟es m͟a̸k͜e y҉o͞u feel͝ ̧al̶i̷ve̴ Ḩi͡de?͡” _

Hide tried to remember the last time he felt good about something, or let alone what made him feel somewhat close to be calling ‘alive’.

Then a memory hits him.

“Well I wouldn’t say I’m ‘passionate’ about it but I think music is something I really enjoy daily.” He says trying hard not to blush to hard.

He’s not lying but he knows he’s not telling the whole truth about it. The memory of the past few times he’s been to helther skelter come into light from the back of his mind. The blaring music that roared above him, dancing away the night with a beautiful and ghostly stranger he only knows as ‘white flower’.

That is what made him feel alive.

_ “Was̡ is a̧c̴tua͏l͞ly͢ th͟e͘ ̶s̛trang̴e͝r ̕w̕h͝o ̡made̶ y̵ou fee̷l a̶liv̴e̛?̧ ̢O̡r̷ ̶w͡a͠s i͝t ̛ju̶st̴ ̴the̕ ͠b̛o̶ozȩ Hi̶de?̛” _

_ I know, I know. Nothing good comes from liquor lips and hot strangers. Only disappointment and broken hearts come from those types of things…….. _

_ But I just wanted to have fun, is that so bad?  _

_ Is it so bad that I might actually like this ‘white flower’ guy? _

_ “Y͘es it is̵ b̧ad̵.̷” _

“Music is a real powerfully thing Hide.” Kaneki replies to him. “Without music, I doubt the world would be the same as we know it right now if it didn’t have music in it.”

He nods in agreement.

_ “T̵h͘at̕'s pr҉oba̵bl͠y ͏t̨he̸ sma͘rt̨e͢s͝t th̸i̡ng t͘his ͜kid͡ has sai͏d tḩe̴ wh̨ol̨e ͝t͜im͟e ̸we've know̧n ͠him͝.” _

_ Well that’s just fucking mean. _

Gradually the topic falls off and they both sip their coffee’s in peace. Even as enough of them say a single word, it feels calm.

Something that Hide has been wanting for a while.

He likes ‘these’ types of moments.

When nothing in particular is actually happening. No words have to be forced out of their mouths to make it feel ‘comfortable’.

When two people can just enjoy each other's company, just the way it is.

_ Why does this feel somewhat familiar? _

Hide moves his gaze to look over at Kaneki.

_ “Don͠'t fu̶c̛k҉ing͘ ̷lo͡o̸k ̸a̷t hi҉m.” _

_ “D̮͘o̻̮̲͈n̦̥͙̞͍̰'͍t͕̹ ̴̜̯̘y̞̞͍̹o̞͎͓̥̲̻̰͢u̙̣̹̟̮͎͝ ̪̫̯̼̼ͅd̢̻a̖̪̥r̯̖̞͓͎͡e͍̭̲͎.̙̟̙͘” _

This time he doesn’t listen to them.

Kaneki sips his coffee carefully, probably not to burn himself while drinking seems to be relaxed sitting on the old beat-up couch. His pale hands curl around the coffee cup while his eyes are downcasted, making his eyelashes look much longer than normal. 

And once again there seem to be small dark smudges around his eye sockets.

_ I wonder if it really is makeup? Well what else could it really be? _

Hide gets lost in thought about Kaneki’s eyes.  But before he could even stop himself, Hide is reaching forward to touch him. As he is almost about to touch Kaneki, Kaneki jerk his hand out from underneath the coffee cup and grabs Hide’s arm. Spilling the coffee all over himself.

The air is tense and Kaneki has a look on his face that Hide hasn’t seen before in him.

**_Fury._ **

“Oh! O-h sorry about that.” Kaneki says moving his hand slowly back to his side.

“No … it’s-it’s fine. It’s my fault to suddenly do that to you, I just wasn’t thinking. clearly.” He says, retracting his hand back to his lap. “Would you like a new shirt?” He says pointing to Kaneki’s once clean grey sweater.

“Y-yeah sure if you don’t really mind…….. and again I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t know what came over me.”

“Nah it’s alright dude. Mistakes happen all the time, I can totally let that sweater soak in some water right now if you don’t mind going in my room to get a new shirt?”

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Nah it’s alright dude. Mistakes happen all the time, I can totally let that sweater soak in some water right now if you don’t mind going in my room to get a new shirt?” Hide says sitting up from the couch, while Kaneki is still seated firmly in his seat shocked from his actions.

_ He wasn’t going to hurt me. He wasn’t going to hurt me, I know this. I know this. _

_ But if I know this, then why am I shaking? _

“Ah sure. Where’s your room?”

“Just turn the corner when you see the bathroom. It’s the only other door.”

He walks and easily finds Hide’s bedroom. It’s mostly clean until you look at his bed, the sheets are thrown over and messed around a bit.

_ Was he sleeping before I came here? _

“The t-shirts are in the top drawer.” Hide says while standing at the door. “I’ll close the door to give you some space. Just hand me your sweater when you got it off.” 

Hide shuts the door and Kaneki feels a great deal of respect for Hide. Not just for him being so ‘relaxed’ about the whole arm grabbing thing but letting him have space to change.

_ No ones done that for me before……. _

Kaneki lifts off the dirty sweater and walks over to the door, cracking it open not to show himself.

“Here.”

“Oh thanks.” Hide says taking it from Kaneki’s hand.

Kaneki shuts the door again and walks over to drawer. Opening it up to see multiply different types of t-shirts and some sweaters. He takes the only black t-shirt he sees. But by doing that, something raddies in the drawer.

“Huh?”

He sees a brightly colored orange bottle in Hide’s drawer, lifting it up to and taking a closer look at it.

It reads.

PERPHENAZINE 8MG TABLETS

TAKE 1 TABLET BY MOUTH TWICE A DAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys! So sorry about this being so late and stuff. 
> 
> This week has been just plan rough. I've been going to classes but just getting a lot of bad talk, plus all the stress is getting to me. Also this guy whom I feel like is my best friend got a boyfriend. Like I know that seems stupid of me to say but I actually liked my best friend 'in a more then friend way'. I could never tell him how I feel about him but I'm just going to let it be. 
> 
> I just hope he's happy with this guy and that he treats me friend right.


End file.
